After nearly a 2-week hiatus, the blog is back. Blogging while watching the debut of Stephen Strasburg. After his first 2 innings, I gotta ask Ben what the F he was thinking trading the best pitcher baseball has ever seen? I told you all along that a) you were lucky to draft him as late as you did, and b) it was perfect strategy to keep him on your bench until the Nats brought him up. When the Dorchestahs come up short yet again this year, we’ll know why.
Speaking of Strasburg, great move by the Nats to have him make his debut against the Pirates--the team with the worst offense in the NL. Of course he’s gonna look brilliant tonight. It’s the same reason why this blog continues to seem brilliant to all of you guys, because its only competitor was the douchey, quickly-ditched BaBlog of 2 years ago.
And now that we’re talking about Fred… wait, hold that thought. Often during the week, I will create a document that says “week 8 notes” or something like that. Basically if anything really interesting happens in baseball during the week, or if I notice something intriguing going on in the fantasy league, I’ll take a note so I don’t forget when it’s time to blog. So a typical note might say, “Neil’s team in a free fall.” (more on that later). But the note from last week that I keep coming back to is this: “Fred hit me with a jet ski in St. Thomas.” I know…why make a note of that. Like I’d forget that I could barely walk for 2 days after Fred tried to off me?
Anyway, if I had decided to press charges against Fred’s malicious act, I’m pretty sure probable cause for arrest would have been quickly established. For one, Fred continues to ooze with jealousy over this blog’s continued success--it’s critically acclaimed after all. And second, there was probably no team I was more critical of in the early going of our 2010 season than the Polar Bears. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what was going through his head on that fateful Tuesday afternoon in the Virgin Islands. Oh, and did I mention that right before he hit the throttle, he casually said, “Hey dude, if for some reason you never made it home alive from this trip, is there anything you’d want to say to your family?” Suspicious huh…
When we were in St. Thomas last week for Werner’s wedding, I had high hopes that the first ever 4-team trade would go down between the Smell of Penetration, Jew Lovers, Polar Bears and Boston Pancakes. It never came to fruition. We were actually pretty close, but there were a few sticking points. It got a little awkward in the middle of the wedding ceremony when I yelled out, “Wait, Werner, if I throw in Tim Hudson, does that help?” Needless to say I won’ be invited to the 2nd wedding ceremony in Belgium.
We’re rapidly approaching the midpoint of the fantasy season, and the staff here at the blog has some exciting things planned out. Next week I will come out with an updated Power Rankings post, meaning each team will be picked apart, criticized or just plain ignored. I won’t be doing a team-by-team breakdown this week. And some time after week 11, brace yourself for a surprise midseason blog. If what I’m planning works out, prepare to be amazed (and prepare to be ready to contribute on some level).
And now for some quick hits about the last 2 weeks:
-Neil’s team really is in a free fall the likes of which have never been seen in fantasy sports. He has now gone 4 consecutive weeks where his team would not have beaten any other team in the league. Think about that for a second. If the Pigeon Boys had played 44 head-to-head matchups over the last 4 weeks, he’d be 0-44. The Pigeons have gone from a .593 win % to a .327 win % in my fake standings in that time. As expected, Neil had his defense mechanisms ready to go when I asked him about his team. He basically said, “That’s ok because over the next 4 weeks, fantasy baseball is at best 4th on my sports priority list.” He said playoff basketball, the World Cup, and golf were higher priorities. Golf? Because we’re spending 3 days down at the U.S. Open in 2 weekends? This is just a slightly more complex version of the “that’s ok, I’m already moving on to fantasy football” posturing that Neil typically does around this time.
-The newly married Jew Lover stands alone in 1st place, and if he wants to keep that top spot, he’s gotta beat a red-hot Polar Bears team that is on a 5-game winning streak. Be careful, Werner. If you win, Fred may very well try to murder you with a piece of heavy machinery. There’s now a precedent for that. Fred, just know that I had an entire blog planned out where I praised your clever GM-ing of your team, and how amazing it’s been to watch you go from the basement to nearly the top of the league. But then you almost put me in a wheelchair, and I just can’t look past that yet.
-Besides the Polar Bears, a few other teams have been hot over the last 2 weeks. The Beckett List (still waiting on that name change) has put itself in the playoff discussion by winning 2 in a row; after 2 straight losses to the best teams in the league, the Hackin Holts have righted the ship with 2 straight wins (might as well say 3 straight wins since the Holts are playing my team this week); and the Dorchestah 34%ers have won 2 straight against what were the 1st & 2nd place teams at the time.
-Speaking of Dorchestah, Ben was all over me the moment I got back from St. Thomas asking where the next blog is because he wants me to write about how well his team is doing. That is the exact wrong way to get your team some attention through the blog. It’s almost as bad as when certain people used to ask me to put them on my ShitList Blog in college. That level of desperation/attention-seeking is very off-putting to a professional writer such as myself.
-The following teams seem to be mired in inconsistency: Red Red Even, Boston Pancakes, Angry Brets, and Za Brah. The Pancakes are the only team in that group that would qualify for the playoffs today, but even owner MattyP knows that’s too good to be true.
-And for the league’s most consistent team….the Smell of Penetration. Just a beautiful 1-8 record. I wish I could tell you that when I look more closely at the numbers I’m just unlucky or something. But no, that’s not the case. Allow me to use this platform to tell you all that I am definitely willing to give up several good players who can help your team this year in exchange for 1 no-doubt keeper that can help me next year & beyond. I would say everyone except for Jay-Hey & Lester are available.
You’re welcome for 1 of the shorter blogs I’ve written. I promise that next week’s power rankings will be at least double the length & half as funny.
