A Humble Acceptance Speech

It's OK to be smiling as big as you are right now; we've all missed the blog. And it's OK if this is the happiest moment in the last 2 months of your life.

But enough out of me. This blog is intended solely for the purpose of displaying Werner's very humble, very respectful regular season champ acceptance speech (which is similar to an "AL Wild Card Winner" banner in terms of importance).

From Werner:

A big thank you to everyone for a good season, and a special thanks to Ross for his noble work as commissioner. I will make this brief as we still have a playoff champion to crown, but before I go I would like to offer a special shout-out to Matty and Ben.

Matty, for all of your talk this season (and last season, and the season before...) that my team blows and gets lucky all the time, suck my balls.

And Ben, for your post-Josh Hamilton trade-rejection comments:

"really you trust a crack head that badly....eeek....you're record is fluff buddy....don't get comfortable at the top ;-)"

Also, suck my balls.

Thanks again everyone, hopefully I have a chance to write another email after the playoffs...

Graceful with a touch of catch-me-if-you-can attitude. I love it.

As for this blog...I set out to accomplish 1 thing: to outblog Fred by at least 1 blog post. And I did exactly that (thanks to Werner's speech). This might be the first time in history that a 2-20 team can call the season an unequivocal success.

P.S. For those in the football league, expect a blog comeback in just a couple days. And to those not in the football league, I'm sorry, we just have a higher standard there.

Trying to Remember How to Blog...

After nearly a 2-week hiatus, the blog is back. Blogging while watching the debut of Stephen Strasburg. After his first 2 innings, I gotta ask Ben what the F he was thinking trading the best pitcher baseball has ever seen? I told you all along that a) you were lucky to draft him as late as you did, and b) it was perfect strategy to keep him on your bench until the Nats brought him up. When the Dorchestahs come up short yet again this year, we’ll know why.

Speaking of Strasburg, great move by the Nats to have him make his debut against the Pirates--the team with the worst offense in the NL. Of course he’s gonna look brilliant tonight. It’s the same reason why this blog continues to seem brilliant to all of you guys, because its only competitor was the douchey, quickly-ditched BaBlog of 2 years ago.

And now that we’re talking about Fred… wait, hold that thought. Often during the week, I will create a document that says “week 8 notes” or something like that. Basically if anything really interesting happens in baseball during the week, or if I notice something intriguing going on in the fantasy league, I’ll take a note so I don’t forget when it’s time to blog. So a typical note might say, “Neil’s team in a free fall.” (more on that later). But the note from last week that I keep coming back to is this: “Fred hit me with a jet ski in St. Thomas.” I know…why make a note of that. Like I’d forget that I could barely walk for 2 days after Fred tried to off me?

Anyway, if I had decided to press charges against Fred’s malicious act, I’m pretty sure probable cause for arrest would have been quickly established. For one, Fred continues to ooze with jealousy over this blog’s continued success--it’s critically acclaimed after all. And second, there was probably no team I was more critical of in the early going of our 2010 season than the Polar Bears. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what was going through his head on that fateful Tuesday afternoon in the Virgin Islands. Oh, and did I mention that right before he hit the throttle, he casually said, “Hey dude, if for some reason you never made it home alive from this trip, is there anything you’d want to say to your family?” Suspicious huh…

When we were in St. Thomas last week for Werner’s wedding, I had high hopes that the first ever 4-team trade would go down between the Smell of Penetration, Jew Lovers, Polar Bears and Boston Pancakes. It never came to fruition. We were actually pretty close, but there were a few sticking points. It got a little awkward in the middle of the wedding ceremony when I yelled out, “Wait, Werner, if I throw in Tim Hudson, does that help?” Needless to say I won’ be invited to the 2nd wedding ceremony in Belgium.

We’re rapidly approaching the midpoint of the fantasy season, and the staff here at the blog has some exciting things planned out. Next week I will come out with an updated Power Rankings post, meaning each team will be picked apart, criticized or just plain ignored. I won’t be doing a team-by-team breakdown this week. And some time after week 11, brace yourself for a surprise midseason blog. If what I’m planning works out, prepare to be amazed (and prepare to be ready to contribute on some level).

And now for some quick hits about the last 2 weeks:

-Neil’s team really is in a free fall the likes of which have never been seen in fantasy sports. He has now gone 4 consecutive weeks where his team would not have beaten any other team in the league. Think about that for a second. If the Pigeon Boys had played 44 head-to-head matchups over the last 4 weeks, he’d be 0-44. The Pigeons have gone from a .593 win % to a .327 win % in my fake standings in that time. As expected, Neil had his defense mechanisms ready to go when I asked him about his team. He basically said, “That’s ok because over the next 4 weeks, fantasy baseball is at best 4th on my sports priority list.” He said playoff basketball, the World Cup, and golf were higher priorities. Golf? Because we’re spending 3 days down at the U.S. Open in 2 weekends? This is just a slightly more complex version of the “that’s ok, I’m already moving on to fantasy football” posturing that Neil typically does around this time.

-The newly married Jew Lover stands alone in 1st place, and if he wants to keep that top spot, he’s gotta beat a red-hot Polar Bears team that is on a 5-game winning streak. Be careful, Werner. If you win, Fred may very well try to murder you with a piece of heavy machinery. There’s now a precedent for that. Fred, just know that I had an entire blog planned out where I praised your clever GM-ing of your team, and how amazing it’s been to watch you go from the basement to nearly the top of the league. But then you almost put me in a wheelchair, and I just can’t look past that yet.

-Besides the Polar Bears, a few other teams have been hot over the last 2 weeks. The Beckett List (still waiting on that name change) has put itself in the playoff discussion by winning 2 in a row; after 2 straight losses to the best teams in the league, the Hackin Holts have righted the ship with 2 straight wins (might as well say 3 straight wins since the Holts are playing my team this week); and the Dorchestah 34%ers have won 2 straight against what were the 1st & 2nd place teams at the time.

-Speaking of Dorchestah, Ben was all over me the moment I got back from St. Thomas asking where the next blog is because he wants me to write about how well his team is doing. That is the exact wrong way to get your team some attention through the blog. It’s almost as bad as when certain people used to ask me to put them on my ShitList Blog in college. That level of desperation/attention-seeking is very off-putting to a professional writer such as myself.

-The following teams seem to be mired in inconsistency: Red Red Even, Boston Pancakes, Angry Brets, and Za Brah. The Pancakes are the only team in that group that would qualify for the playoffs today, but even owner MattyP knows that’s too good to be true.

-And for the league’s most consistent team….the Smell of Penetration. Just a beautiful 1-8 record. I wish I could tell you that when I look more closely at the numbers I’m just unlucky or something. But no, that’s not the case. Allow me to use this platform to tell you all that I am definitely willing to give up several good players who can help your team this year in exchange for 1 no-doubt keeper that can help me next year & beyond. I would say everyone except for Jay-Hey & Lester are available.

You’re welcome for 1 of the shorter blogs I’ve written. I promise that next week’s power rankings will be at least double the length & half as funny.

(London) Bridging the Gap

After just about one-third of the season, things are finally starting to get interesting. You a-holes at the top of the standings probably don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. You’re probably sitting there feeling like you’re on top of the world, but little do you know us bottom-feeders are coming for you. No, I’m not getting all high on myself after 1 measly win (though I’ll probably celebrate that further down in this post). But several teams who were near the top of my “power rankings” just a few weeks ago are suddenly beginning to tank it, even if their actual record doesn’t reflect it. This week 4 of the top 5 teams from those power rankings would have done terribly if they had played each team in the league. Those teams are Boats ‘n Hoes (3-8), Pigeon Boys (0-11, for the 2nd straight week), Dorchestah 34%ers (3-8), and Hackin’ Holts (1-10, for the 2nd straight week). As a matter of fact, this is starting to look more like a trend and less like an aberration. (And yes, Ben, I’m refusing to acknowledge your team’s name change because this league is nondenominational & you’ve specifically upset the Jews with it.)

On the flip side, some of us towards the bottom of my power rankings are really starting to make moves. Za Brah & Boston Pancakes, ranked 11th & 10th in my standings respectively, would have each been 20-2 had they played every team the last 2 weeks. My team--appropriately ranked 12th in my standings--finally had a winning week in the real world & in my fake (sideways?) world. I would have gone 9-2 this week against the league.

So the short story is watch out overachievers, we’re coming for you. There’s a lot of season left, and I have a strong suspicion that things are just going to get tighter & tighter in the standings. As a matter of fact, I’ve given up on trying to trade away useful players in exchange for keepers for the future because I’m positive I’ll have a .500 record in just 5 weeks. Speaking of trading, it’s getting quite obvious that owners are finally understanding what they have with their teams and starting to make the appropriate moves. I’m privy to a lot more information than most of you & it sounds like there is a lot of behind the scenes “wheeling & dealing” going on at the moment. Wouldn’t surprise me at all to see a bunch of trades go through in the next couple weeks. And it would surprise me even less if Ben was involved in every one of them.

Speaking of my favorite ADD-ridden owner, I am pleased to announce that as expected, Ben has done a complete 180 on his team in the last week. If you remember just over a week ago, Ben made a trade with Beckett List owner Bryan Paul that clearly demonstrated the Dorchestah’s putting all their eggs in this year’s proverbial basket. He traded away 2 possible keepers for a 4-player package that likely includes no keepers for next year. To further illustrate Ben “going for it” this year, when the trade was processing

he actually told me, “I’m going for it this year.” Hand to God, he said that. Flash forward (2nd “Lost” reference of the blog) to this past Sunday night where after a lovely sushi dinner, Ben says, “I don’t know what to do. I might have a fire sale soon.” Four days after that trade went through…before he even had a chance to insert the new players into his lineup… I wanted to write the word “stunning” just now, but it’s really not at this point. Also, did everyone catch how I finally made a near-perfect prediction? Claiming that Beckett (who Ben traded for) would be on the DL by last week’s end. Feels good to be right 1 time.

This seems like a good time to let Bryan, Neil, Aaron and Ben know that they may be getting a little luck for next week’s matchups (week 9) as each of you get to play a team owned by someone who will be on a remote island where there’s no internet access, and really no access to the outside world. So the chances of us (Me, MattyP, Fred, and Jennifer’s husband) accidentally starting people on the DL is very high. Wait, St. Thomas is a mostly uninhabited, non-civilized island, right? At the very least, don’t expect a blog update from me until late next week if at all.

Is it me, or are a lot of our teams getting slightly screwed over by the token player who gets hurt during a Monday game and ends up missing the rest of the week? That’s happening to me this week with some random reliever I picked up & it’s quite frustrating. Not that there’s any fix to this; just bad luck I suppose.

And now, a few thoughts on each of your teams….

Jew Lovers (Jen’s husband) 6-1

Nice little start for a team that finished in 7th place last year. Big win in week 7 over Hackin’ Holts, who was vying for a 1st place record. With 5 wins in a row, this team is en fuego. As if Werner’s team needed any more help, he gets to play the Pigeon Boys this week, a team that is in an absolute free fall right now. It’s pretty amazing that Barry Zito’s numbers are nearly identical to Roy Halladay’s, and this team owns both players.

By the way, Werner, you’ll be pleased to know Beltre has 2HR through 3 innings of the Sox game I’m currently watching. He’s also got 7RBI this week already. He’s also on your bench.

Boats ’n Hoes (Pueto) 6-1

Tied for 1st place with Jew Lovers, this team would be undefeated if not for a loss to those Semite Lovers in week 3. Not that owner Aaron Gariepy is complaining…he should feel extremely lucky to have been matched up with the Pigeon Boys last week. The Pigeons were 1 of only 3 teams that the Boats could have beat. Further worrying Aaron is that his numbers are trending in the wrong direction. The offensive numbers are still fantastic as the Boats rank 1st in Runs, HR, RBI, and 2nd in OBP. The pitching stats are the real concern…Looks like Aaron’s at least being smart by sitting John “white DiceK” Lackey this week. He’s already laboring in the 1st inning of the Sox game that I’m watching.

Randomly interesting stat: the top 2 teams have made the least amount of transactions during the year (so far).

Hackin’ Holts (Graham) 4-3

If last week’s matchup against the J-Lovers was a statement game, then owner Graham Holts’ statement must have been, “I’m not ready to be up there with the big boys…think I’ll hang tight in the middle of the pack & try to make another improbable championship run.” We’ll see how the team recovers this week against the surging Pancakes. A poor showing this week will mean a 3-game losing streak. If that happens, Graham, I can always comfort you. After all, I’ve had 2 back-to-back 3-game losing streaks already this year. Only 1 win in 6 starts last week for the Holts really screwed them. Matt Cain, specifically, got dicked, throwing 2 quality starts last week including an 8-inning, no earned runs outing, with nothing to show for it. Definitely a microcosm of what’s going on with the Giants at this time.

Boston Pancakes (MeMattP) 4-3

For the definition of surging, look no further than this team. Sure, MattyP’s team is only on a 2-game win streak, but the numbers they’ve been putting up in these 2 weeks are incredible. I’m already excited to see this team get out to a 10-4 start, and then watch them crumble & limp their way to an 11-11 record for the year (Matty’s shaking his head in disappointed agreement right now). What a dominating offensive week for the Pancakes: only 2 players without a HR, only 1 player without multiple RBI, and only 1 player below a .375 OBP. It’s all finally coming together, Matty. Nothing can stop you now.

Polar Bears Rule II (Ben Linus) 4-3

If someone was in this room with me right now, they’d say 2 things. One: “Ross, put some pants on & throw your spank rag away. Aaron’s gonna be home soon.” And two: “You’ve been staring at your computer screen without typing for 28 minutes. What’s up?”

This space is usually reserved for saying negative things about my dog-humping friend Fred, but I just can’t do it today. His team has won 4 of 5, and has jumped all the way up into a tie for 3rd. In a way I feel a bit abandoned because I thought Fred & I would coast to 3-19 records together this year. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to count on Blanchette for that.

Damnit…even Hafner is starting to put up respectable numbers. (RECYCLED JOKE ALERT): Fred, just know that when Konerko gets banned for 50 games later this year, I am taking away 3 of your wins from the beginning of this season.

Pigon Boys (Man in Denial) 4-3

When I asked Pigeon Boys owner Neil Gariepy if he was concerned about his team basically not showing up for 2 straight weeks, he said he wasn’t the least bit worried. He claimed he hasn’t thought about shaking up his team with a trade or roster move. But I’m guessing we’re about 1 week away from the typical, “How soon is fantasy football starting?” comments.

The Pigeons have now had back-to-back weeks where they couldn’t have beat a single team in the league. So what’s going on with this previously-thought-to-be-powerhouse? Well offensively, everyone is struggling besides Justin Upton & Adam LaRoche. Unfortunately for Neil, LaRoche has been on the bench during his hot streak. The pitching numbers are almost equally as bad over the last 2 weeks (Rafael Soriano not included). One thing that jumps out from week 7: Hoffman & Papelbon combining for a 2.2 inning, 7ER line. And yet somehow, the Pigeons narrowly won the ERA category.

Za Brah (RyLav) 3-4

If I mentioned the Pancakes are surging, then it’s only fair to say the same for the Brahs. They’ve been on fire the last 2 weeks, putting up similar numbers to those Pancakes. The Brahs 2 recent wins have also come against 2 teams thought to be at the top of the food chain earlier this year (Pigeons & Dorchestah). Out of the 7 categories that Ryan’s team won against Ben last week, 6 of them weren’t even close.

Here’s a random, yet relevant, question. Who the hell is Jose Bautista and how in the hell does he have 15HR already this year? When I clicked on his name, I honestly expected to see a picture of Tony Bautista. But not only do they have very different skin pigments, but Jose is about 7 years younger. Anyway, his career high in HR is 16, so uhh, please refer to the above joke about Paul Konerko.

If the Brahs can take down the Pbears this week, then they may be looking at a 7-4 record at the half way point because the following 3 weeks Ryan’s team is up against the 3 worst teams in the league.

Red Red Even (Capt. Bad Luck) 3-4

If Red Red Even owner Scott Paul was in Vegas over these last 3 weeks, he wouldn’t have just lost his entire life savings at the tables. His hotel room would have been broken into (twice), he would have totaled his rental car (after declining the insurance), and even if he hadn’t stepped into a strip club or whore house, he would have contracted a minimum of 4 new STDs. That’s how awesome Scott’s luck has been lately.

If I ever consider giving a refund to someone in this league (which I won’t), it would be Scott for the 2010 season. Any time the owner of a 1-6 record feels this bad for you, something’s terribly wrong. If the RRE’s played every team in the league each week, he’d be 24-9 over the past 3 weeks. Again, no wins to show for that record. In my ongoing tracking of the “fake standings,” Scott’s team is still way ahead of the field (59-18 record, compared to Boats ‘n Hoes in 2nd place with a 50-27 record).

This is typically where I write, “Don’t worry, Scott, you get to beat up on my team this week.” But I feel pretty confident Scott’s gonna be looking at a 4-game losing streak after this week.

And in the “adding insult to injury” department…hope you enjoyed Rollins’ 5 games back. He looked great over that stretch.

Dorchestah 34%ers (The Man with No Direction) 3-4

Another team on a 3-game losing streak. Interesting that arch nemesises (nemisi?) Ben and Scott are running teams that are exact parallels of each other. The big difference: in this 3 game stretch, Dorchestah’s record against the entire league would be 12-21. So this losing streak is actually quite warranted. I’ve said it before…maybe it would be wise to let this team “settle in” a bit, you know, instead of overhauling the roster every 10 days. Just a suggestion. I already wrote too much about this team at the top of the blog (to make sure no one skipped that goodness) so I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m excited to check back with Ben next week to see what his next strategy shift is.

Ahh, 1 more thing. These next 2 weeks (8 & 9) Ben gets the honor of facing both 6-1 teams.

Beckett List (Time for a name change?) 2-5

My suggestion is to change your team name to “Papi Lista.” Papi = David Ortiz, Lista = List. Because let’s face it, Ortiz is the best hitter in baseball at the moment. For the entire month of May really. The Becketts picked Ortiz up on May 14 & promptly inserted him into the lineup last week. Bryan was rewarded with 2HR, 5RBI, .471OBP. Of course, the Becketts still didn’t get the win. I wonder how many other owners contemplated picking up Papi, but decided against it. I took a look at Papi about 15 days ago and decided my bench players were all too good to drop for him. Smart moves by me as usual.

I think we’ll know a lot more about this team in 3 weeks. Bryan gets to face 3 of the worst teams in the league. After that, we’ll know for sure if this truly is a rebuilding year as many have expected.

Angry Brets (Wait ‘til Next Year?) 2-5

Ahh the infamy of being the team to let the last winless team get a W. Great work Angry Brets. You woke a sleeping giant. But owner Matt Blanchette can hardly stay worried about the embarrassing loss in week 7 when his team has so much else to worry about. What is there to worry about, you ask? How about the fact that this team ranks no higher than 7th in any statistical category except Saves (2nd).

As I review my comments about this team from the Fantasy Preview, I can’t help but laugh at my praise of Matt letting go of Ortiz. I also questioned the keeping of Nick Markakis over Jason Werth. It’s safe to say if Matt could have a do-over, maybe detonate an H-bomb and reset time (Lost reference #4!), he’d probably keep both Ortiz & Werth over Markakis…and maybe even over B.J. Upton.

Sorry Matt, but teams like ours get the least amount of words dedicated to them in the blog.

Smell of Penetration (Projected 2010 Fantasy Baseball Winner) 1-6

I’m excited about this team, and you’ll all see why in the coming weeks. It’s finally coming together. And no surprises that it mirrors the Red Sox resurgence into the mix for divison lead. Just as Theo in his infinite wisdom constructed a slow-starting powerhouse for 2010, so to have I also done the same..,thing. Remember that I lost 2 weeks ago because of 1SB on the final day of the week. If not for that, I’m on a 2-game win streak heading towards 3 straight. You’ve been warned.

Trades, Ties & Teases

What a week…although there was plenty of action this week, we obviously need to begin by discussing the biggest thing that happened over the weekend: ESPN teasing me on Sunday into thinking I got a win, when in fact I didn’t. Joking only, we won’t lead off with stories about my misguided hard-on from Sunday night. Instead we’ll begin with….

A blockbuster trade between two teams that are heading in very different directions after this deal gets completed. First, I wanna commend the two owners involved in the trade--Ben Sardella & Bryan Paul--for their timeliness in coming to an agreement. There’s nothing better than giving me something easy to write about on my Mondays. So thank you.

While sources confirm that trade discussions had been ongoing between the Dorchestah 34%ers and Beckett List, it seems as though the final trade was proposed by the Becketts Sunday night, and quickly accepted by the Dorchestahs. As most of you probably should know by now, the Dorchestahs--tied for 5th in the standings with 3 other teams--traded away 3B Pablo Sandoval and starting pitchers Francisco Liriano & Stephen Strasburg in exchange for a 4-player package from the 9th-placed Becketts: infielders Derek Jeter & Ty Wigginton as well as starting pitcher Josh Beckett and closer Jonathan Broxton.

Although the Beckett List narrowly defeated the Dorchestahs in week 6, it appears as though Beckett’s owner Bryan is trying to build a strong nucleus for the future. How else can you explain this trade? For instance, if this were a non-keeper league, the trade would clearly be lopsided, right? The payoff for the Becketts comes if and only if both Sandoval & Strasburg are keepers for next year.

On the Dorchestah side, owner Ben made it clear that he wants to make a run at the League Championship this year. Buried in mediocrity with a 3-3 record, Ben’s hoping the addition of 4 veteran players can serve as a wake up call to the rest of his unmotivated roster. Here’s the only problem I see for Ben: not including Broxton, are the other 3 players he’s plugging into his lineup really better than the incumbents? The loose-cannon owner didn’t mince words yesterday when he said, “I’ve wanted Jeter for a while especially because Ryan Theriot sucks.”

But according to ESPN’s player rater, Jeter is the 4th best SS while Theriot is #8. I’m not sure how significant of an upgrade that is, at least until Jeter starts playing better. And how about Wigginton? Does anyone really think he’s going to stay on pace for 35+ HR? And who will Ben sit on the bench for Wigginton? Miguel Cabrera? Ian Kinsler? Mark Reynolds? Those are 3 keepers who are all putting up fine numbers (Kinsler just recently returned)…so no, no & no. At the utility position, the Dorchestahs currently have Matt Holliday & J.D. Drew, both of whom will be tough to sit in favor of a new player. So I guess I’m a tiny bit confused as to how much these 2 offensive players can help out Ben’s team.

As for Josh Beckett, there appears to be at least 7 starting pitchers on the Dorchestah roster who are better than him currently. I’m interested to see if Ben will immediately throw him into the lineup, or stash him away on the bench until he starts producing. My prediction for Beckett is that he gets torched this week with starts against the Yankees & Phillies and then heads to the DL for a few weeks to work things out.

OK, enough trade talk…I think we all get it by now. Two owners making foolish attempts to improve their team either for an immediate run at the title or for the distant future. Congrats.

There was one other key thing I wanted to discuss on the blog…. 4 matchups out of 6 last week came down to the Runs Scored tiebreaker. I really don’t know how to feel about that. Would we rather have all of those games ending in a tie? Is it good that we have a clear winner even though 1 arbitrary category decides who wins? I’m divided on this, but of course we will stick with the current system at least through this season. I just don’t know a better way to solve this. Feel free to let me know how you feel about it via commenting on the fantasy home page or in the blog itself.

The scary thing (for me) was that 2 of the matchups that needed the tiebreaker were only 1 run away from having that category tied as well. As I’ve said before, I have no clue what happens in that scenario, but I imagine some sort of apocalypse to fantasy baseball as we know it.

When I asked Angry Brets’ owner Matt Blanchette (who was affected by the tie situation) how he felt about all this, he seemed to not fully understand the question and responded, “ First of all, I just want to thank God for putting me in the position to play against a team managed by Fred. Second, I would like to thank Chase Utley, needing just one HR, or one run [on the last day], he put together an 0-5 game and cost me the win. Too much hair gel I suppose.”

While several of you are probably disappointed with looking at the scoreboard, seeing that you tied, and then noticing you ultimately lost due to the tiebreaker, I promise you no one is more disappointed than me after last week. On Sunday evening, when I stumbled home drunk, Aaron pointed out that I finally won my first game. After threatening to urinate on his feet if he was lying, he showed me I was winning 5-4-1 and all of the games for the week had finished. I was so happy I even made time to toss out a petty email to my opponent Boston Pancakes making fun of his pathetic team. Upon waking up Monday morning, I find out the score got changed to 4-4-2, and of course I lost the tiebreaker (and of course Matty P took the time to throw a derogatory email back my way). Looks like Soriano’s SB at about 2pm on Sunday didn’t make it into ESPN’s stats until I was happily passed out on Sunday night. Where’s the justice I ask.

Let’s see…what else? Oh, congrats to Za Brah for being the best team in the league last week. He would have beat every team. And whatever the opposite of congrats is, that goes to the Pigeon Boys for being the worst team in the league this week. Now the Pigeons get to face the 5-1 Boats ’n Hoes in a key matchup in week 7. The other big game this week is between the Jew Lovers (1st place) and the Hackin’ Holts (3rd).

Well, you’re welcome for this blog post being about half as long as my typical ramblings. That’s all.

Best. Rankings. Ever.

FAKE STANDINGS:

TEAM (W, L, T) = Win%

1). Red Red Even (45, 10, 0) = .818

2). Boats 'n Hoes (41, 14, 0) = .745

3). Hackin Holts (33, 22, 0) = .600

3). Dorchestah (33, 22, 0) = .600

5). Pigeon Boys (32, 22, 1) = .593

6). Jew Lovers (29, 26, 0) = .527

7). Polar Bears (27, 26, 2) = .509

8). Angry Brets (23, 32, 0) = .418

9). Beckett List (20, 35, 0) = .364

10). Boston Pancakes (17, 38, 0) = .309

11). Za Brah (16, 38, 1) = .296

12). Smell of Penetration (11, 44, 0) = .200

The above standings are based on what each team’s record would be if they played the 11 other teams in the league every week. Even though the true standings on the fantasy site are all that matter for real, this is a better indication of how each team is truly performing each week. It basically takes the luck factor out of the equation. I hope you all appreciate this because I haven’t slept for 3 days while figuring this out, and I might be going blind from staring at the same numbers over and over again on my tiny-ass computer screen. Either way, these fake standings give me a good jumping off point for the 1st Power Rankings Blog of 2010. Let’s go from worst to first (my rankings are based on real standings + fake standings + some subjectiveness based on how the teams are currently performing, who they’ve beat, etc):

12). Smell of Penetration (Real Standings = 12th place, Fake Standings = 12th place)

I guess I should keep this short since certain people take exception to me talking about my own team in my own blog. Maybe I should have an entirely separate blog called, “500 Reasons Why Ben Sardella is the Greatest Fantasy Sports Manager in History.” Maybe that will quiet some people down.

While this team is almost definitely the worst in the league by a wide margin, maybe it’s just the result of a brutal early season schedule. Their first 4 losses came against 3 teams tied for 1st place and a team tied for 5th. Last week’s loss to 9th place Polar Bears is embarrassing on many levels, but the Penetrations aren’t giving up, as evidenced by 2 potentially key roster moves this week: adding reliever Matt Thornton (who may replace Bobby Jenks as the White Sox closer), and picking up Dallas Braden fresh off his perfect game. Why was Braden even available? We’ll get to that during the Beckett List’s review.

The Good: Jason Heyward was worth the 12th round pick as he’s already achieved keeper status according to owner Ross Gariepy. Other players off to solid starts include Nelson Cruz, Tim Hudson…that is all.

The Bad: Everything else. Last place in 3 pitching categories, 11th place in 2 pitching categories. No better than 7th place in any offensive category. This has been an UGLY start.

11). Za Brah (Real Standings = T-10th place, Fake Standings = 11th place)

The Brahs began the year with a little bad luck, losing week 1 to Boats ‘n Hoes when they would have beaten most other teams that week. But the next 4 weeks fall in line with where this team should be: in the basement. And maybe owner Ryan Lavery could see this coming even before his team’s 3rd straight loss last week. That’s why he was working overtime to put together a trade to shake up his roster. As everyone should have seen, last Thursday the Brahs & the Boston Pancakes pulled off a blockbuster trade that could have repercussions for years to come. Although both owners were being constantly bothered by phone calls from Ben Sardella--who desperately wanted to be part of this trade because he was bored--they managed to come to an agreement that saw both teams trade away keepers. In exchange for giving up Adrian Gonzalez and James Shields, the Za Brahs received Felix Hernandez, DiceBB, and Stephen Drew. I guess the thinking here was that 2 starting pitchers could help Za Brah escape his 11th place spots in both ERA & WHIP. The only question remaining is, “Why the fuck would you want DiceBB if you are trying to improve your pitching stats?” And why trade away a guy like Shields who actually has better numbers than Felix right now? So nevermind, there are actually hundreds of questions about this trade.

The Good: Pujols of course. Vernon Wells (clearly juicing). Matt Garza turning into a legit ace before our eyes.

The Bad: Significant injuries to Ellsbury & Granderson. Carlos Zambrano sucking bad enough to be the 1st $18million bullpen man in baseball. DiceBB (pending tonight’s start for the Sox).

10). Team Boston Pancakes (Real Standings = T-7th place, Fake Standings = 10th place)

The Pancakes really bottomed out last week as Matty P’s team wouldn’t have beaten any other team in the league. He also got extremely lucky with his week 1 win…playing an Angry Brets team that was still in spring training mode. So things could certainly be worse for this perennial also-ran. Just like with the Za Brahs, maybe the Pancakes sensed their downward trend and were hoping a blockbuster trade would be the spark to ignite a 3-year dormant volcano of good results. Although it would be foolish to think Shields’ numbers will be better than Felix’s by the end of the season, it still seems like the Pancakes got the better end of the trade. Shields will be at least solid in the rotation, and A-Gon is a potential game-changer at 1B. Matty P is counting on him to right the ship offensively, specifically with HR, RBI and OBP where the Pancakes rank near the bottom of the league. Don’t worry too much Pancakes…you know what they say, “Nothing like a guaranteed win against the worst team ever to lighten the mood in the clubhouse.” And that’s exactly what you’ll get in week 6.

The Good: The other A-Gon (Alex Gonzalez) with 10HR already. Jeff Niemann.

The Bad: Zack Greinke’s win total (0). Brian Fuentes’ ERA (7.04). A-Rod’s HR total (3).

9). The Beckett List (Real Standings = T-10th place, Fake Standings = 9th place)

Though they’ve been slightly unlucky compared to some of the teams doing better in the real standings, the Beckett List hasn’t shown anything yet that makes me believe they can climb up the ladder into the playoff mix. As a matter of fact, this team is trending in the wrong direction as they would have only won 2 out of 22 possible games in weeks 4 & 5. Not good…not good at all.

The pitching stats & most of the hitting stats are very middle-of-the-packish right now, with the exception of Runs & OBP, where the Becketts are 2nd to last and dead last, respectively. One has to wonder how much keeper Brian Roberts being out almost the whole season has affected these categories.

If a finger needs to be pointed at 1 person in particular for the early season struggles, point no further than to owner Bryan Paul. How many other owners would release a pitcher on the same day he throws a perfect game? Braden got that bad news only moments after pitching the 19th perfect game in MLB history: he was being released to make room for the immortal Alfredo Simon. Great work, Beckett List!

The Good: Ty Wigginton & Casey McGehee…both free agent pickups that have been outstanding so far this year. Andrew McCutchen (filling up all the offensive categories). Livan Hernandez…really??

The Bad: You can easily survive this league with 1 flop of a keeper, maybe even 2. But 3?? That can pretty much bury a team for the season (I know from experience). It didn’t seem crazy at the time for Bryan to select Josh Beckett, Brian Roberts, and Grady Sizemore as keepers…but it seems crazy now. Two of those guys (Beckett, Sizemore) are putting up career-worst numbers, and Roberts has only 14ABs on the season due to injury (and not due back any time soon). Finally we’ve found the reason that the Becketts are a 1-win team.

8). Polar Bears Rule II (Real Standings = T-7th place, Fake Standings = 7th place)

The Pbears have a nice little Jekyll & Hyde thing going on to start the year. Two great weeks (weeks 3 & 5) and 3 pitiful weeks. Luckily there are at least 4 teams playing worse than the Pbears right now, and the team finds itself only 1 game out of the early playoff picture. But the pessimist might look at last week and say owner Fred Friedner is lucky to have 2 wins. If the Smell of Penetration had been able to get 1 more HR & RBI on Sunday, and 1 fucking Save over the whole week, things would be looking pretty bleak for the Pbears right now. And if Jason Heyward hadn’t missed the 2nd half of the week for the Penetrations, you can bet your ass the Pbears would be looking at an embarrassing loss in week 5.

Looking at the 3 offensive keepers for the Pbears, it seems they are all putting up above average numbers right now, but none of them really tearing the cover off the ball. Maybe that’s all it’s going to take to launch a hot streak for this Pbears team…when the keepers start putting up the expected stats. Speaking of keepers, is this a mere coincidence?? The same day I posted my blog and mentioned Edwin Jackson as the worst keeper in the history of keepers last week, Fred drops him. I think not. I think Fred wanted to distance himself from the dirty Edwin Jackson name as quickly as possible. Anyway, I think we officially have our 1st keeper dropped. Correct me if I’m wrong.

The Good: Paul Konerko (13HR). Brett Gardner (14SB). Both looking at 50 game suspensions later this year. Longoria…OK fine, he’s doing a little better than “just above average.” The Matt Lindstrom pickup.

The Bad: Besides Edwin Jackson? Lance Berkman. Travis Hafner (just because Fred talked so much shit about that move).

7). The Angry Brets (Real Standings = T-7th place, Fake Standings = 8th place)

I’m gonna go against the fake standings here and put the Brets in 7th place over the Polar Bears, mostly because I just told Fred via Gchat that he’d be 7th in my rankings. And I love screwing with him. But also because the Brets have a legitimate gripe as they were extremely unlucky in having to face the Pigeon Boys in week 4, one of only 3 teams they would have lost to. If not for that, the Brets could be looking at an amazing 2-game win streak right now.

There’s no “one” problem area for this team right now. Instead there are minor problems in all areas. Except for saves, the Brets don’t rank very high in any statistical category.

The Good: Chase Utley & Rod Barajas are the only 2 guys hitting well so far. David Price, Jon Garland, and the relievers are the only pitchers consistently contributing.

The Bad: 3 starting pitchers that owner Matt Blanchette fully expected to dominate this year are off to varying degrees of bad starts. There’s the disappointing: Verlander (a keeper); there’s god-awful: Peavy; and there’s “holy shit, you’re still employed by a major league team”: Vazquez. And to make matters worse, Vazquez was picked in the 6th round (or 2nd round if you don’t include the keeper rounds).

6). The Jew Lovers (Real Standings = T-1st place, Fake Standings = 6th place)

It seems unfair to put the J.Lovers this low since they technically are tied for 1st place in the real standings, and they’ve got a 3-game win streak going. But all of the advanced stats & metrics point to this team’s pending doom. The 3 wins in a row consist of beating Boats ‘n Hoes due to the Runs Scored tiebreaker, and then wins over 2 of the worst teams: Pancakes & Penetration. As far as the fake standings go, it’s been pretty hit-or-miss for Werner’s team. In weeks 1 & 3, he could have only lost to 1 team each week. In week 2, he couldn’t have beat anyone. And in week 5, he could only beat 3 teams, including the team he did beat, Boston Pancakes.

Even worse for the Lovers is their next 4 matchups are all against teams in the upper echelon of the standings. This blogger has a feeling that the next time we check in on the Lovers via Power Rankings, his place in the real standings will align better with his place in the fake standings.

The Good: Kelly Johnson (10HR). Roy Halladay (obviously). Barry Zito (weird to see him almost earning his $17million/year or whatever ridiculous salary he’s got).

The Bad: The Keepers (not including Halladay). You look at Werner’s 3 offensive keepers--Mauer, Howard, Hamilton--and the stats don’t look awful. But Mauer’s already missed significant time & only has 1HR. Howard only recently started putting up decent numbers. And Hamilton’s stats are pretty pedestrian. The Lovers’ last place standing in HR says it all.

5. Hackin’ Holts (Real Standings = T-1st place, Fake Standings = T-3rd place)

This isn’t a knock on the Holts as much as it’s a credit to the 4 teams ranked higher in these Power Rankings. The defending champs have done almost everything asked of them so far, and of course they’re tied for the best record in the league. After losing in week 1 to a highly-ranked team (Dorchestah), the Graham Holt-owned team has rattled off 4 straight W’s. The only knock here is that those wins have come against 4 of the lower-ranked teams in the league. Again, not Graham’s fault since he doesn’t make the schedule, but we’re gonna hold him in this 5th spot of the rankings until he faces some tougher competition. The next 2 weeks should prove challenging against Boats ‘n Hoes & Jew Lovers. A belated congrats to Graham on week 2, when he would have demolished the entire league.

The Good: Plenty from the pitching, including Ubaldo Jimenez (no-hitter + 6wins + 0.93 ERA), Sabathia, Cain, and Pettite (until he started showing his age last week). Cano & Wright have been solid.

The Bad: Teixeira (until he faced the Sox last weekend of course), Furcal (DL).

4. Dorchestah 34%ers (Real Standings = T-5th place, Fake Standings = T-3rd place)

This team’s record pretty much reflects how it has performed so far, winning the 3 weeks it should have and losing the 2 weeks it should have. Best statistical week was week 4 when the Dorchestahs would have beat every team except the Pigeon Boys. The biggest disappointment for owner Ben Sardella has got to be that his team hasn’t pulled away in the ever-important “moves” category. Sure, they’re in 1st, but only by a slim margin.

Also, for someone who’s given me so much shit for not giving his pitching any credit this year, his team is putting up some head-scratching pitching stats. Here are his up-to-date ranks: 1st in K’s (by a mind-boggling 62), 2nd in Wins, 5th in ERA, 7th in WHIP, and 12th in Saves. I WILL GIVE YOUR PITCHING PROPS WHEN IT DESERVES THEM. On the flip side, here are his hitting stats: 3rd in Runs & OBP, 4th in HR, 8th in RBI, and 11th in SB. One could argue his hitting is still superior to his pitching, as I’ve been doing all season.

The Good: Miguel Cabrera (.465OBP). Mark Reynolds (10HR). The big 4 of: Liriano, Gallardo, Hanson, Hughes.

The Bad: Posada & Kinsler (mostly because of injuries). Holliday & Sandoval. Brandon Morrow (6.69ERA). Strasburg & Chapman…you can look at this 2 ways: either you’re OK with maybe not winning the regular season because 2 of your bench spots are being taken up by guys who have no chance to make the major leagues until June or later (and you’re betting that they will help you in the playoffs), or you’re trying to put the best possible team together that can help you immediately, in which case Ben may have selected Ubaldo Jimenez over Strasburg…seems like that would have worked out. And also, if you draft a guy like Strasburg that early and keep him on your bench through these first few months, aren’t you somewhat obligated to make him a keeper for next year? What if he sucks this year though? I saw this exact same move blow up in someone’s face in fantasy football…though their version of Strasburg was JaMarcus Russell…so who knows.

3. Pigeon Boys (Real Standings = T-1st place, Fake Standings = 5th place)

Why are the Pigeon Boys way up at #3 in my rankings if they are in 5th in the Fake Standings? Mostly because those Fake Standings don’t take into account how the team is doing over the last couple weeks. But my rankings do. In weeks 4 & 5, the Pigeon Boys could have only lost to 1 team each week, coincidentally the same team each week--Red Red Even. After getting off to a somewhat lucky 2-0 record, the Pigeons stumbled big time in week 3, where the only team they could have beaten was Za Brah. It’s safe to say they’ve “righted the ship.”

The Neil Gariepy-owned Pigeon Boys are the classic “win big when they win” team. It seems like 3 of Neil’s 4 wins have been in the landslide category where you can look at the matchup on a Thursday and see that the week is all but over for his opponent. Now it’s just a matter of doing that consistently. The Pigeons have only played 1 formidable opponent so far, beating the Dorchestahs in week 2. So it’ll be interesting to see how they do against the cream of the fantasy crop in coming weeks.

Regardless of the 4-1 record, Neil’s gotta be a bit disappointed in the team so far. For a team that had such amazing keepers to choose from, the Pigeons aren’t really dominating any stats, except for Saves.

The Good: Ryan Braun (28RBI, .443OBP). Pedroia (laser show. Relax). Lincecum (would have 6 or 7 wins with a better bullpen). Harden (just the fact that he’s made it through 35 innings w/out injury). Papelbon + Bell + Rafael Soriano (25 combined Saves)

The Bad: Justin Upton (keeper). Aramis Ramirez (3HR, .226OBP). Chris Davis (see previous blog about highest-drafted player dropped [well at least until Fred dropped Edwin Jackson]). Trevor Hoffman (13ER in 11IP).

2. Red Red Even (Real Standings = T-5th place, Fake Standings = 1st place)

Easily the unluckiest team through 5 weeks. No one would benefit more if the fake standings were really real. The way this team got handed its 2 losses is almost devastating enough to make lesser owners (me) sell the team & run for cover. In week 2, the Evens lost to the Brets via the Runs Scored tiebreaker (they would have beaten 8 of the 11 teams that week). And even worse, in week 5 when they lost to the Boats ‘n Hoes, they would have beaten any other team they played that week. That is what I mean by “unluckiest team.” Oh and just for good measure…if Scott’s team had reached base 2 more times during the entire week against Aaron, they would have won. It was that close.

It’s that week 5 result against the Aaron-owned Boats ‘n Hoes that has Scott’s team ranked 2nd instead of 1st. Offensively the Evens rank in the top 3 in 4 of 5 categories. And while the pitching hasn’t been as consistent, they still rank 1st in ERA & WHIP.

The Good: Joey Votto, Youkilis, Werth. Wainwright, Oswalt, C.J. Wilson, Andrew Bailey.

The Bad: Ibanez, Rollins (DL - only 23AB).

Inconclusive: Rivera (only 9 innings pitched? Maybe starting to act his age w/ a recent injury? Let’s hope so.)

1. Boats ‘n Hoes (Real Standings = T-1st, Fake Standings = 2nd place)

All the data suggests the Boats ‘n Hoes should be in 1st place. Even though they didn’t know it at the time, Red Red Even & Boats ‘n Hoes were playing each other last week for the #1 spot in the Power Rankings. As mentioned above, Aaron’s team just barely delivered the W. So congrats, Pueto. #1 in the 1st ever Blog Power Rankings. And how is the #1 team rewarded? By getting 3 straight matchups against the best teams in the league…good luck with that.

The Boats’ only loss this season came via the Runs Scored tiebreaker to the Jew Lovers in week 3. If scoring was the same as last year, he’d still be undefeated. If we look back at the Fake Standings where a team is matched up against all 11 other teams in the league, here’s what the Boats’ week-by-week record looks like: 7-4, 8-3, 8-3, 8-3, 10-1. Now that’s what I call consistency. Aaron’s team has barely been in a position to lose all year.

So what’s the formula of a #1-ranked team? Offensively the Boats rank 1st in 3 categories (R, HR, RBI), 4th in OBP, and dead last in SB. And in pitching, the Boats are 1st in Wins, 5th in K & Saves, 6th in WHIP, and 8th in ERA. Clearly we’re looking at a much better offense than pitching.

The Good: Soto, Morneau, Kemp, Ethier. Chris Carpenter, Jered Weaver, Matt Capps (13 saves for the Nats? I didn’t even think they had 13 wins). The fact that the Boats have only made 3 moves is a testament to their obviously amazing draft.

The Bad: Brandon Phillips, Hanley (only because they are both keepers & underachieving right now). Chad Qualls, Jenks (maybe give up on the closer situation?). Worst in the league in steals when there are 4 guys on this team who stole 25+ last year. What an enigma…

And the Beat Goes On...

Yes, it’s already Tuesday at 4pm, and I’m only now starting to author this brilliant blog. Call me a douche; call me lazy; call me whatever you like, but soon enough you might be calling me “employed.” That’s right…I’ve spent the last 2 days being put through the ringer as I am finally interviewing again. That is my lame excuse for the lateness.

Now before you go crying yourself to sleep tonight thinking the fantasy blog might be coming to an abrupt end (like the fate suffered by an inferior blog a few years ago), hear this: no job will ever cause me to miss a week of posting the creamy goodness that is this blog. I am committed. As my team continues to play like its roster is filled with Corkys from Life Goes On, the blogs will only get stronger. That’s a promise.

Since week 5 is well under way at this point, and I’m sure you all looked at the week 4 results intimately, I’m gonna skip the usual matchup by matchup breakdown, and instead just run through some notes & observations. I apologize in advance if your team doesn’t get as much of a mention as usual, but look out for next week’s blog which I’m thinking will be the season’s 1st Power Rankings.

OK, everyone ready? Great. Here we go with some verbal diarrhea:

-My team is 0-4. I have been predicting this all along, and it’s not like I drafted with the intention to be historically shitty. Sometimes you just know. This makes me think that when teams like the Pirates, Nationals, Astros, etc, say things like, “You know, I think if everyone plays up to their capabilities this year, we can make a run in our division,” they are 150% full of shit and they know it. If your team is putrid, you know it. My team is going to win under 5 games this year; that’s a fact.

-There’s been some great chatter on the League home page this year, mostly in response to my blog postings. I noticed the only 3 posts on the home page that haven’t gotten responses are the ones where someone is saying, “So & so are on the trading block. Make me an offer.” Ben, Fred, and MattyP, I would say that if you really want to make a trade, you should probably put in the efforts yourselves of looking at other teams & proposing something. I know in real baseball if a team was to say that Greinke is available, other teams would throw out trade offers and different packages of players. But in fantasy where we’re all equal parts busy & lazy, you need to do the leg work (unless the 3 of you have gotten a bunch of trade offers that I don’t know about. In that case, disregard this entire paragraph).

-I fully believe in something called the “Ross Guaranteed Jinx,” where I claim something will never happen, or I call a player out for sucking balls, and the opposite immediately happens. In last week’s blog, I mentioned, “Jason Bay’s predictable lack of power,” and almost immediately after I wrote the words down, he hit his 1st HR of the season. I also called out Ryan Howard for a terrible week 3 after signing a huge contract. He responded with a 2HR, .400 OBP week for the Jew Lovers. And of course I was going up against Howard last week. So for this week, I am calling out my entire team: you guys blow, you will never be real baseball players, and you certainly can’t get me a win against Fred (come on jinx…).

-Last night on ESPN, John Kruk stated that so far in 2010 the best pitcher in baseball is Ubaldo Jimenez, and the best hitter is Robinson Cano. I set out today to prove him wrong, and unfortunately I can’t. Jimenez has definitely been the best pitcher. For hitters, you can make a case for several other guys, but considering Cano is a 2B, he’s probably been the best from a fantasy standpoint. Congratulations to Graham for having both of these players. 2 other quick notes on this topic: 1). I could have kept Cano, but instead opted for Adam Jones, who they are considering renaming the Mendoza Line after. 2). I called Ben out for drafting Strasburg waaaaaaaayyyyy too early, and his only response was, “Yeah I guess I could have gotten a guy like Jimenez in that same round.” I don’t care how well Strasburg is doing in the minors right now, I think we can all agree it’d be better to have Jimenez (for 2010 and maybe beyond).

-Congrats to the Beckett List for having the most players (8) currently ranked in the top 50 based on 2010 stats. The Angry Brets & yours truly are tied for least players on that top 50 list with 2 each.

-And now for my weekly Fred bashing… Back in March, when I saw that Fred chose Edwin Jackson as a keeper, I nearly choked on my chocolate milkshake from In-n-Out. But I decided to hold off judgment considering the jokes I was running out there as keepers. Well here are Jackson’s numbers after 6 starts: 32.1 innings, 29 hits, 10 walks, 17K, 1 win, 8.07 ERA, 1.76 WHIP. I’m not even asking the question; I’m just gonna definitively state that Edwin Jackson is the worst keeper in fantasy baseball history.

-One more Fred gem…does anyone remember his postings over “the cagey pickup of Travis Hafner on opening day?” For those of you who don’t know Fred very well, he has this recurring issue of pontificating about his greatness and then eventually having to eat his words. Let’s check in on cagey pickup Hafner: 74 at-bats, 2HR, 7RBI, .189 avg, .303 OBP, .311 SLG…what a steal by the Pbears!

-Don’t know if anyone saw a recent report that the percentage of black players in MLB is once again dropping. This is something the Born Again Fantasy League takes very seriously. So I am implementing a “no blacky left behind policy,” where each team is required to have a minimum of 6 black players on its roster at all times. Don’t worry. This shouldn’t be hard since this commissioner’s office defines black people as: nonwhites…African American, Latino, Hispanic, all forms of Asian, Middle Eastern/Egyptian, whatever race those dark-skinned Hawaiian people are, and in Mike Cameron’s case, the darkest of dark chocolate.

Final note: I love writing these blogs & hopefully you at least tolerate reading them. That being said, I understand it’s always more entertaining to read if your team/players are talked about a good amount. So at the end of each week, if you notice that you made a particularly amazing move to get a free agent, or if you’re like me and left your 2 best starting pitchers on the bench only to have them dominate, please feel free to shoot me a message with this info. I try to look at all teams & all moves as much as I can, but I’m sure I miss plenty of interesting tidbits. Help me entertain you. That is all.

We're only 14% of the way through this season...sigh

I keep seeing this recurring image where Fred is sitting around his apartment on Monday afternoons with a bottle of champagne on ice, just waiting…waiting & refreshing the fantasy league page to see if I’ve done a new blog yet. And if that day finally comes where no blog is posted, Fred will react much the same as the 1972 Dolphins’ do every year when the last undefeated NFL team loses. (Author’s note: Immediately after I wrote the above sentences, I knew I had written something similar to open my 2nd blog post. What can I say? Marijuana affects the memory. Either way, this one was the more PG-13 version of what I said on that 2nd blog.)

Fred, I’m actually gonna give you some credit. Not for beating Neil this week; that wasn’t very hard. But you actually made it through about 9 blog posts before completely abandoning your duties in 2008. That’s like 6 more than I thought you wrote.

Anyway…

Have you ever heard the saying, “The first 14% is the hardest?” Me neither. But for my ragtag group of nobodies posing as a baseball team, that’s exactly the case. The opening 14% of this season has just been brutal. And because Fred’s team got lucky and caught the Pigeon Boys napping, I am now the only winless team. I think that means my team deserves the least amount of attention/words in this blog. So we’ll save that for the end.

Did you know that there is absolutely no correlation between amount of drafted players already dropped and current level of success? Wouldn’t you think there would be? Maybe 14% is just too early to know. Here is a quick list of what round draft picks have already been dropped by each team (in order of the current league standings):

-Hackin Holts = 16th & 22nd rounds

-Red Red Even = 21st & 22nd rounds

-Boston Pancakes = 12th, 19th, 21st rounds

-Jew Lovers = 14th & 19th rounds

-Dorchestah 34%ers = 14th, 20th, 21st rounds

-Boats ‘n Hoes = NO DRAFT PICKS DROPPED

-Pigeon Boys = 7th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds

-Za Brah = 21st & 22nd rounds

-Beckett List = 17th, 18th, 19th rounds

-Angry Brets = 17th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds

-Polar Bears = 10th, 17th, 18th rounds

-Penetration = 15th & 16th rounds

What can conclusions can be drawn from this pattern? Well, it looks like five teams would have been better served ending their draft after the 18th/19th rounds and just checking with the free agents the next day to round out their teams.

Neil looks to have made the earliest bad pick of the draft as 7th rounder Chris Davis (the Texas 1B version) was sent back to AAA almost a week ago. That seems strange since his numbers (.188avg, OHR, 1RBI) would make him an impact middle-of-the-order hitter in the current Red Sox lineup. When reached for comment, Neil stated, “The two players we drafted from the Rangers organization [Davis, and walks machine Rich Harden] have ranged from somewhat disappointing to unmitigated disaster.” The owner of the Pigeon Boys went on to make a really lame joke about his new player Justin Smoak as the “smoke monster” from Lost.

I don’t know what it means that Boats ‘n Hoes’ owner Pueto hasn’t had to let any drafted players go yet, but it seems like there might be a significance to that. Stay tuned. (Update: after writing the above, Aaron came home & informed me he just dropped Cameron a few hours ago…thanks for ruining my attempt at providing facts, Pueto)

With that stimulating insight, let’s dig into Week 3’s results.

Polar Bears Rule II beats Pigeon Boys 7-3-0

I’m not always about the animosity and hatred towards you, Fred. This week your victory gets to lead off the most anticipated blog yet. Anyway, welcome to the winner’s club. Actually, maybe someone that belongs to that club should officially welcome you.

Before gameplay on Friday, I wrote in my secret fantasy baseball diary that there were still 6 categories up for grabs between these 2 teams. Unfortunately the Pigeon Boys didn’t see the need to “grab” any of those categories as the Pbears held a significant lead through the weekend. For the Pigeons, you can either blame the closers + Harden for screwing up the saves and WHIP categories that Neil counts on, or you can place responsibility on any offensive player not named Braun or Wieters. This was the type of offensive performance that makes an owner sell his team for 10 cents on the dollar at 3a.m. over a bottle of whiskey. If you take out Braun’s 8 & Wieters’ 4RBI, the rest of this team combined for 10RBI for the week. The team also had a mammoth 3HR for the week (2 from Braun). Never one to shy away from “disciplining through the media,” Neil put the bulk of the blame squarely on the shoulders of Aramis Ramirez and Yunel Escobar. “The left side of the infield has not played well at all, to the point that on Friday I decided it was best for the team to send a message, and we only played 7 players that game, benching the 3B and SS positions,” the owner said. “Once those guys start hitting the offense will be fine.” …whatever makes you sleep at night.

As for the Pbears…whatever. I mean, who really cares? The 2nd worst team in the league won a game. Great. Oh, I’m supposed to be unbiased… the Pbears’ closers were amazing this week, and they were certainly the difference in a couple key categories. Offensively, it was the P-Kon show as Konerko slugged 4HR and 6RBI. The rest of the offense wasn’t fantastic, but it didn’t need to be while facing Neil’s limp-dick players.

Jew Lovers beat Boats ’n Hoes 5-5-0 (Lovers wins Runs tiebreaker)

How ironic for the undefeated powerhouse of Boats ’n Hoes to lose for the 1st time because of Runs scored (lost by 6). Ironic because they lead the league in Runs scored. Such is life in a cutthroat league.

If it hadn’t been for Carlos Lee’s unlikely stolen base on Sunday, the lack of Runs would have been irrelevant. First of all, it’s pathetic these 2 teams combined for 3 total SB. But Pueto just ran into bad luck considering a) Carlos Lee has a .186 OBP so it’s not like he’s often on base to have the chance to steal, and b) He steals less than 5 bases per year. Ouch. What’s worse is that the Hoes have 4 players who each had 25+ SB last year.

As has been the case all year, the Hoes had enough solid bats in the lineup to take 3 of the 5 offensive categories. Morneau, Kemp, Ethier, Michael Young all contributed in a big way. The starting pitching, specifically Lackey’s 1st start of the week and Scott Baker’s only start really put the Hoes out of commission in ERA & WHIP. When asked to comment on his team’s disappointing week, owner Pueto said, “No comment. Wait, no, make something up.”

And on the Jew Lovers’ side, they continued to get dominating pitching from Roy Halladay, lone challenger to the Lincecum Cy Young Throne (LCYT). Halladay pitched a complete game shutout on Wednesday…there’s no stopping the guy (that’s an inside joke to myself since I’m writing this while the Giants light Halladay up). It was a week of great pitching all around for Werner’s team, especially with the closers turning into all-stars ever since I called them out 2 weeks ago.

With a nice win and 2-1 record, Werner’s only concern now is making sure Ryan Howard understands that people who make $25million/year don’t put up stats like he “produced” last week: .231 OBP, 0HR, 2RBI. At age 30, some wonder if the Jew Lovers will be stuck in a “David Ortiz on the 2010 Red Sox roster” situation eventually…only for twice the price. And finally, Werner, as a personal gift for beating what looked like the best team in the league, I present you my team, ripe for a raping & not much fight in ‘em.

Boston Pancakes beats Za Brah 6-4-0

One of the season’s first matchups between natural rivals didn’t disappoint as the Pancakes won a very tight race that was still anyone’s game going into the weekend. On top of a gut-wrenching loss, the Za Brahs now have to deal with their 8th round pick, Fat Carlos, moving to a mop up spot in the bullpen. Compounding the Brahs problems is the ongoing Ellsbury injury and Jason Bay’s predictable lack of power. Keep an eye on this team…in the always-inspiring words of Shea Hillenbrand, “This ship is sinking.”

Some would say the Pancakes won this week despite the team’s best efforts to blow it. The offense didn’t do anything amazing, and the pitching…well the big problem with pitching--wins--wasn’t anything the Pancakes could really control. Out of 5 quality starts, the team got exactly 1 win. That’s the type of bad luck that’ll kill you against a competent opponent.

For Pancakes owner MattyP, beyond the week 3 battle, it was a good news/bad news week. The good news is that DiceBB is finally scheduled to make his comeback (or is that the bad news?). The bad news is that the Pancakes have without a doubt the most bush league player in the history of baseball. Even in my coed softball league the girls know not to step on the mound when they’re waddling back to 1st base. A-rod is a clubhouse cancer that can destroy a fantasy team’s momentum. And with only 2HR on the season, MattyP might have to think long & hard about cutting him loose (or trading him to the worst team in the league).

Red Red Even beats Beckett List 6-4-0

The only matchup that really went down to the wire on Sunday was the sibling rivalry. Going into Friday’s games, there were still 9 categories up for grabs. At the start of Sunday, it was clear what the Beckett List needed to do: overtake RBI & Runs and win the week. Bryan’s team took care of the RBIs but could only muster up 4 Runs as big brother Scott escaped with a victory. It’s OK, Bryan. When we can’t get revenge on our older brothers in fantasy baseball, we do it instead through embarrassing wedding toasts.

And I should apologize to Bryan for putting an awesome jinx on Josh Beckett last week when I praised him as, “…one of the few Red Sox players displaying actual talent this year.” Clearly Beckett thought I was singling him out so he decided to throw 2 of the worst games of his career to show me where to put my words of kindness. While Beckett won the week for the Beckett List in week 2, you could argue he single handedly cost his team the win in week 3...and is probably on his way to ruining week 4 after yesterday’s atrocity in Toronto.

For the Red Red Evens, it was an awesome display of pitching in week 3 even though they were outstarted 7-5. In 39.1 innings, the pitching staff allowed only 6ER and 33 base runners for a miniscule 1.37ERA and 0.84WHIP. Scott’s team now leads the league in team ERA and WHIP.

When you realize that about 14 of Scott’s 17 starters last week were listed as “day-to-day,” it seems like an even gutsier win.

Hackin’ Holts beat Angry Brets 7-1-2

If you had looked at this matchup on Sunday morning, and let’s face it you probably didn’t because you probably have a life, you would have seen the Holts beating up on the Brets in the form of a 10-0-0 lead. You may have thought the battle was over. But upon closer review, the Holts only had 2 categories locked up at that point (SB & OBP). This is the type of week that Brets owner Matt Blanchette will be stewing over for a while. Part of the reason is that he simply has a bad temper and doesn’t take kindly to losing, but more importantly, this one was so damn close. If Matt could have coaxed 2 more HR and 1 more win out of his players, he would have won the week. The 2HR seemed do-able, but that W would have had to come from Javier Vazquez, and we all know that’s a near impossibility. It’s a good thing Blanchette took Vazquez out of his lineup in week 4; otherwise the commissioner’s office might have had to step in and make some tough decisions.

There are rumors swirling that Holts owner Graham Holt used last week’s blog as bulletin board material to inspire his team. After all, last year’s defending champ was largely ignored as the blog sang the praises of the only 2 undefeated teams. Graham must be pleased that his team responded with a spanking of the Brets. And sure enough, the Holts now stand in 1st place (though I have no idea how 7 teams w/ a 2-1 record get placed into their respective spots in the standings). And while the Holts certainly did not impress on the offensive side of the ball (except 11SB), the pitching was phenomenal. Some owners may have been hesitant to start Ubaldo after such a taxing no-hit effort last week, but Graham marched him right out there and he responded with another Ace-like performance. A closer look reveals the Holts now rank 2nd in Saves, ERA & WHIP, and 3rd in Wins.

Dorchestah 34%ers beat Smell of Penetration 7-3-0

What a strange week…an emotional rollercoaster ride, but one that had an all-too-familiar ending for the Penetrations. Look at it from owner Ross Gariepy’s point of view: after Tuesday the Penetrations had Saves locked up (1-0) because Dorchestah didn’t start any closers. They also had SB locked up because their 2 Texas players (Andrus & Cruz) got to run wild (6SB combined) against Victor “how much longer can I blame this on the pitchers” Martinez. The Penetrations also noticed on Tuesday that Dorchestah starting pitcher J.A. Happ was out for the week. All of these things pointed to Penetration’s first competitive week. And sure enough on Sunday morning, they still had a fighting chance. But fight was the exact opposite of what the players did…instead they packed it in early Sunday to prepare for week 4’s embarrassing matchup.

As for Ben “offensive powerhouse” Sardella, he actually got an amazing pitching week from everybody not named Cole Hamels. 55Ks in 43innings helps explain why this pitching staff leads the league in Ks by 21. The Dorchestahs are kind of all over the map in the pitching categories though: 7th in Wins, Last in Saves, 3rd in ERA, and 5th in WHIP. That tells me the team has the pitching talent, but with an owner who doesn’t quite know how to harness all that talent yet.

Though Ben played the worst team in fantasy history in week 3, he did what he had to do. Now he gets to go up against everybody’s least favorite friend, Fred. Good luck, Dorchestah.

Week 2...Is it almost time for fantasy football? Please?

Quick non-fantasy story for you all…Aaron & I were golfing on Sunday afternoon and a woman who was in our group asked me if we’re from Wisconsin. She paused for a few seconds which gave me time to wonder why the hell she’d think that. Then she says “Or do you guys just like drinking Pabst?” As Aaron said later, that was one of the most random assumptions ever made…we drink PBRs so we must be from Wisconsin.

Speaking of assumptions, I assumed going into week 2 that I had no chance to win the saves category. I loaded up on starts--9 total I think--and only had 1 closer. I assumed I’d take wins and give up saves, and of course the opposite happened. Only 3 wins from my 9 starts & somehow 3 saves from 1 guy was enough to win that category. Of course none of this matters when your opponent has 6 categories locked up by Tuesday.

On a related note, I’m now focusing all my efforts on scouting players for next year, so within a few weeks I expect to make an announcement regarding who the 1st overall pick in the 2011 draft will be. Stay tuned.

Overall it was a pretty uninteresting weekend as every team that was winning on Friday held on to win the week. Where’s the drama? Oh well, let’s begin our week 2 recap with the closest matchup so far this year.

Angry Brets beat Red Red Even 5-5-0

In years past, this would have gone in the books as a tie, but alas the league has evolved, changes have been made, and Scott is the first one to get screwed by the Runs Tiebreaker. With such a tight race going into the weekend (Brets led 6-4 on Friday morning), you’d think the Evens would make a conscious effort to close the gap on runs knowing it could come down to that. They didn’t. As a matter of fact, the Evens played most of the week as if they were running out a bunch of David Ortiz & J.D. Drew clones on offense. Of course it doesn’t help to start a player who’s on the DL (Rollins…though he didn’t get hurt until Monday, bad luck there), and another player who’s hurt most of the week (Carlos Gonzalez).

In this space last week, the Brets’ offense was ripped to shreds, possibly prematurely. They certainly responded by mashing 14HRs with 46RBI. Chase Utley took the media’s harsh words most personally as he put up an amazing 5HRs alone this week. The Brets’ offense was so good this week that even starting a player who didn’t play for a good chunk of the week (Zimmerman) couldn’t hurt them.

The pitching matchup went almost exactly as expected. The Evens loaded up on starts (8) while the Brets loaded up on closers (4). Sure enough the Brets won saves…just barely. The Evens took the other 4 pitching categories. The key to the Evens’ pitching week was getting a combined 29innings, 0.62ERA from Wainwright, Oswalt, Rivera & Nunez. Question for the Brets: how long is the Javier Vazquez experiment gonna go on for? I don’t play your team until week 7 so I say keep the experiment alive at least until then.

Final note: Sometimes there is just so much info to pour over that even the best blogger misses some interesting stats, but I can’t believe I almost missed this one: the Angry Brets have not gotten a single Win from their pitchers yet this year!

Let’s move on to the only 2 undefeated teams in the league: Pigeon Boys and Boats ‘n Hoes. Coincidentally both teams had their wins locked up very early this week.

Pigeon Boys beat Dorchestah 34%ers 6-4-0

Sure you could look at this score and think it was a great matchup. A battle of crusty old owners who have been facing each other in fantasy sports for most of their lives. But you’d be ignorant. You see, as early as Friday morning the Pigeon Boys had 5 categories locked up, including Runs. So it was a stress-free weekend for Neil, knowing he couldn’t possibly lose. Even though Dorchestah made a late charge and almost caught the Boys in HRs, it wouldn’t have mattered since Neil’s team had 5 saves over the weekend to lock that category up too.

In case you haven’t noticed, Neil’s pitching strategy this year is to go with 4 closers and only 3 starters. One of those starters is Lincecum. The goal is to win Saves, ERA, WHIP each week, and not care much about Ks and Wins. For a moment it seemed the strategy might not pay off this week as he only won Saves and even that was up for debate until the weekend.

While the Boys didn’t put up eye-popping offensive numbers this week (except for 8SBs), they would have basically had to somehow put up negative numbers in order to lose to the 34%ers. If it wasn’t for a 4HR, 9RBI, .529OBP day on Sunday, Ben‘s team would have put up Rossian stats for the week.. For a team so obviously built on offense, Dorchestah is middle of the pack in Runs, RBI, OBP and last in SB. Leading the way in HR is a small consolation at this time. Perhaps Ian Kinsler’s pending return 2 weeks from now will be the straw that stirs the 34%ers offensive drink. Oh, wait, Dorchestah plays Smell of Penetration this week? Consider yourself 2-1, Ben, and feel free to start focusing on your week 4 matchup.

Final Note: As good as Neil probably thinks his team is right now, it’s not like he’s tearing things up statistically. Here is where he’s at compared to the league: Runs = 6th, HR = 6th, RBI = 4th, SB = 3rd, OBP = 11th, K = 10th, Wins = 8th, SV = 1st, ERA, 8th, WHIP = 10th. Some would say he’s a lucky 2-0.

Team Boats ‘n Hoes beats Smell of Penetration 7-2-1

And in another installment of “it was over before it began,” the Hoes beat up on my shitty team all week long. It was so bad that Aaron’s 2 Dodgers players (Kemp & Ethier) put up more HR than my entire offense for the week. On Friday morning, Kemp, Ethier and Polanco had more Runs, HR, RBI than my entire team. The Hoes had Runs, HR, RBI locked up by Wednesday; that’s not an exaggeration. Again, with my team you’re looking at potentially one of the worst group of players ever assembled in any fantasy sport.

When I drafted Jason Heyward, I was slightly mad that I might have picked him too early. Now? Thank God I got him because in my quest to build for next year, he’s gonna be an important piece. If it wasn’t for Heyward & Cruz, I might be turning over commissioner/blogger duties to someone else so I could take the rest of the year to do some serious soul searching.

Not much left to say…Aaron has the best team in the league right now. He’s 2-0 and has better stats overall than the other 2-0 team (Pigeon Boys). Even more noteworthy, the Hoes would have beaten the Pigeon Boys quite handily in both week 1 & 2 if they had been matched up. Speaking of potentially amazing matchups, mark your calendars for week 7, when the Hoes will take on the Boys, both teams possibly being 6-0 at that point.

Final Note: The putrid Smell of Penetration team ranks last in 3 categories (Runs, OBP, WHIP), 2nd to last in 3 categories (SB, Ks, ERA), and ranks no higher than 5th in any category (RBI).

And now for the rest of the week 2 outcomes….

Za Brah beats Jew Lovers 8-1-1

In a matchup of the 2 teams most likely to dominate the “accidentally started someone on the DL” category, the Brahs beat the Lover of Jews anticlimactically as the score never shifted after Thursday. This is the type of “battle” that bores bloggers like me to death. The Brahs had a solid week, nothing amazing by any means, while the Lovers gave a new definition to words like appalling, horrific, vomit-inducing.

Congratulations, Werner. You could not have beaten a single team in the league in week 2. I expect things like that from my own team, and maybe Fred’s, but not yours. It appears as though Werner took my advice from last week, which was to give up on the Saves category (0 this week), but I didn’t mean give up all together. Only 1 HR all week? Only 2 Wins? Pathetic. And to make it worse, the Lovers face the #1 team this week, Boats ‘n Hoes.

For the Brahs, it’s always beneficial when you have 2 starting pitchers facing the Red Sox offense. In this case it was Shields & Garza…2 automatic wins. Speaking of the Sox, not even starting Ellsbury last week (who didn’t play a single game) could ruin the win for the Brahs. By the way, for those of you who have pitchers like Garza, Halladay, Lincecum, etc, you should appreciate what you’ve got. It must be nice to get potentially excited about watching your pitcher start, knowing he’s a Cy Young caliber guy and will most likely dominate…we should all be so lucky.

Final Note: Za Brah has never finished better than 8th place in the Born Again League, but this year could be different as the team is finally putting up solid stats, including Ks (1st), Runs, Wins, WHIP (3rd), and HR (4th).

The Beckett List beats Team Boston Pancakes 6-4-0

As the final starting pitcher for the week between these 2 teams, Max Scherzer did everything in his power to get the Pancakes a win…the 2 categories he needed to swing for his team--Ks & Wins--he did, but the rest of the Pancakes team let him down. You could even argue that the team’s offense actually performed the “boston pancake” on owner Matty P on Sunday, refusing to show up on the most important day of this young season. When reached via Gchat this morning, Matty P said, “The team is still in a state of shock that Prince [Fielder] and Bitch Tits [Alex Rodriguez] have 1 combined home run.” Also, for those of you keeping score at home, Prince Fielder has the same amount of RBI this season as Tim Lincecum. Of course it goes without saying that the Pancakes got dominated in every offensive category this week.

And who was doing the dominating? None other than newcomer Bryan Paul, owner of the Beckett List. On behalf of all the owners (except for Matty P obviously), congrats on your first career win in the Born Again League. The key to this win was the team’s namesake player, Josh Beckett, who put up 7 innings with 0 earned runs and a miniscule 0.71WHIP against the Rays on Friday night. That’s right…hard as it is to believe, a very small percentage of the Red Sox players are displaying actual talent this year.

Final Note: Both of these teams play in emotional matchups this week. The Beckett List is up against older brother Scott Paul, owner of Red Red Even…this typically unbiased commissioner is rooting for Bryan to “do it for the little brothers” this week. And the Pancakes are up against former college BFF Ryan Lavery, owner of Za Brah. When asked if that rivalry could possibly be as emotional as 2 brothers facing each other, Ryan replied, “Let me answer your question with a question. What are brothers anyway? Are brothers 2 men who have a very special, unbreakable bond? Do brothers kiss each other on the cheek in lieu of a handshake? Do brothers have “who can masturbate the quickest” races? Do brothers perform the act of space docking together?

(see definition 5: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=space+docking )

If the answer to those questions is ‘yes,’ then me and Matty P are as much brothers as anyone.”

Hackin’ Holts beat Polar Bears Rule II 6-2-2

This may have been the matchup most up for grabs heading into the weekend. Even though Holts were up 7-0-3 on Friday morning, the teams were tied in 3 categories and 4 others were reasonably close (RBI, OBP, SV, WHIP). But as anyone could have guessed by now, the Bears’ players shrunk from the spotlight at the most crucial time.

Credit is due to the Holts & owner Graham Holt. The pitching was a model of efficiency this week. The Holts got 4 Wins out of only 5 total starts, and the closers got 6 Saves in 6 chances. That’s how you draw it up in the offseason. And of course, the pitching got a HUGE contribution from Ubaldo Jimenez’s no-hitter on Saturday.

For the Pbears, you could say that Jair Jurrjens pulled a “reverse Ubaldo” by throwing 11.1 innings with 11 earned runs this week. When reached for comment, owner Jon Friedner said, “The Pbears aren’t ready to throw in the towel yet…looking to make a big statement this week against the Pigeon Boys.” While Jon may be looking at that as a “David vs. Goliath” matchup, I think it’d be better described as a “Paraplegic David vs. Goliath & all of Goliath’s gigantic relatives” matchup. Good luck to you, 2nd worst team in the league.

Final Note: As fun as it is to make fun of Fred’s non-contender of a team, I will point out that between the only 0-2 teams (him & me), he would have beat me in both weeks 1 & 2, including a 7-3 domination in week 2. Therefore, as soon as I come to an agreement with the #1 pick in next year’s draft, Fred can start thinking about who he’ll take with pick 2.

Week 1 Recap...late edition

(Author’s Note: I know with each passing day, Fred’s erection has gotten longer & longer as he waits to pounce on me for giving up on the blog so quickly. Can’t you just picture that smug little prick opening his email every few hours, seeing no blog-related mail, and pumping a little fresh cream into his underwear? Well, prepare to have that boner deflated, buddy, because this blogger’s just warming up. Going forward I will be trying to have a new blog post every Monday with a recap from the previous week. This week has been tough…a couple Red Sox day games will do that.)

Congratulations to the 6 winners from Week 1. You already have 33% of the total wins that the 2009 last place team got, and more importantly, you’ve got 1 more win than this year’s last place team (me) will most likely attain. Jobs well done.

The top 3 teams from the ‘09 regular season served notice last week, starting the 2010 schedule right where they left off. Let’s start with those matchups:

Pigeon Boys defeat The Smell of Penetration 8-1-1

Not much to say here. One team actually has an owner who seems to understand how baseball is played, and the other team doesn’t. After one week, I’m convinced that someone could assemble a full team just from available Free Agents that is more talented than the Penetrations. “But wait, Ross, it’s just week 1,” you say. “Don’t be so quick to judge your team.” As much as I appreciate those encouraging words, I know the look of a .500 team when I see one. And the Penetrations will have to pull off miracles this year in order to be that .500 team.

On the other side of the diamond, the Pigeon Boys are certainly happy with the win, but owner Neil Gariepy knows his team will have to play much better going forward in order to beat the top dawgs of this league. A .310 OBP isn’t going to get it done on the regular. Neither is a pitching staff that would have had a 4.95 ERA if you take the best pitcher in baseball out of the equation. And let’s face it, the Pigeon Boys can’t rely on 14 innings of amazing ball from Lincecum on a weekly basis (especially with today's announcement of his season-ending surgery). Someone else on that staff will have to step up.

Just for shits & giggles, let’s do a quick review of how each team’s keepers performed in week 1, starting with the Pigeon Boys:

-Pedroia = 6Runs, 3HR, 7RBI, .433OBP

-Upton = 6Runs, 1HR, 2RBI, 1SB, .423OBP

-Braun = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .346OBP

-Lincecum = 14IP, 1.29ERA, 0.71WHIP, 17K, 2Wins

And now the Penetrations:

-Bruce = 0Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .100OBP

-Jones = 4Runs, 1HR, 1RBI, .259OBP

-Lester = 5IP, 7.20ERA, 1.60WHIP, 4K, 0Win

-Lee = Was able to throw 11 pitches from his wheel chair…on flat ground.

I wonder why the final score for this matchup was 8-1-1.

Dorchestah 34%ers defeat Hackin’ Holts 5-4-1

In what can only be described as a head-scratching scheduling snafu, this was a rematch of last year’s Championship Game. Of course these owners would rather have had this matchup later in the year…after having a few weeks to tinker with the lineups and see what they’re working with. But instead of bitching & moaning about the schedule, maybe these owners should have actually paid attention to their players before the start of last week’s games. It is inexcusable to start a player who is 100% guaranteed to begin the year on the DL. Both teams made this mistake (Dorchestahs started Kinsler, Holts started Wood), and in such a tight matchup, who knows how the outcome would have changed with competent owners controlling these teams.

Channeling my inner Nostradamus, I predicted that Ben’s team would be an offensive force, but the pitching would suffer if he didn’t draft well. The 34%ers didn’t disappoint in week 1. Their offense would have beaten nearly every other team’s, and their pitching was the worst in the league. Owner Ben Sardella, a constant waiver wire trawler, isn’t likely to put up with the awful pitching for long. For defending champ Hackin’ Holts, it’s gotta be a bitter opening week, taking the loss and also having to second guess keeper decisions when owner Graham Holt sees what Matt Wieters is doing on a new team.

Speaking of keepers, here’s the comparison for these 2 teams, starting with the 34%ers:

-Reynolds = 5Runs, 2HR, 4RBI, .320OBP

-Holliday = 8Runs, 3HR, 6RBI, 1SB, .444OBP

-M. Cabrera = 6Runs, 2HR, 8RBI, .621OBP

-Kinsler = confusingly in the starting line up

And for the Holts:

-Teixeira = 5Runs, 0HR, 3RBI, .276OBP

-Wright = 4Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, .481OBP

-Sabathia = 13IP, 3.46ERA, 0.85WHIP, 9K, 1Win

-Cain = 6.2IP, 4.05ERA, 0.90WHIP, 5K, 0Win

Props to the 34%ers for not overlooking week 1 even with a huge showdown looming against Pigeon Boys in week 2.

Team Boats ‘n Hoes defeats Za Brah 6-3-1

The Za Brahs got off to a particularly bad start when Carlos Zambrano decided to take a steamy dump right on the chest of owner Ryan Lavery. Oh wait, that wasn’t a dump, that was Zambrano turning in his time sheet for the day: 1.1inning, 8runs, 1K. Solid work Carlos. The Brahs never really got it turned around as Boats ‘n Hoes maintained their lead all week. This was a huge win for owner Aaron Gariepy as he can basically count on a 2-0 start now(he’s playing my team this week).

While the Brahs can’t be too excited about their week 1 performance, they can at least take solace in the fact that Pujols looks like he’s a lock for another MVP year. It’s likely the Brahs will be winning the SB category more often than not…so that’s something. The biggest concern for this team now is getting Ellsbury (a keeper) healthy. He’s missed the last 2 games & looks like he’ll miss a few more, meaning the Brahs wasted a starting spot on him this week.

Here’s the keeper comparison from last week, starting with Boats ‘n Hoes:

-Morneau = 7Runs, 2HR, 6RBI, .484OBP

-H. Ramirez = 3Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP

-Phillips = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .240OBP

-Kemp = 6Runs, 1HR, 7RBI, 1SB, .333OBP

And for the Brah’s keepers:

-Ellsbury = 6Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .333OBP

-Pujols = 7Runs, 4HR, 10RBI, .444OBP

-Gonzalez = 4Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, .429OBP

-J. Santana = 11IP, 4.91ERA, 1.27WHIP, 8K, 1Win

While the Brah’s keepers kept up with Boats ‘n Hoes, it was the complimentary players that let them down.

The Jew Lovers defeat The Beckett List 5-4-1

Do you wanna know what keeps fantasy baseball commissioners up at night? It’s the nightmarish thought of 2 of his league’s owners caring so little that they start players who are definitely on the DL. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I read things like, “Manager Charlie Manuel anticipates Blanton will be able to return within three weeks,” and, “Street is expected to miss at least a month after getting shut down for the third time this spring,” I tend to avoid putting these players in my starting line up. But hey, what do I know?

Now these 2 teams have even more to worry about as additional players from each roster were added to the DL late last week.

A few words of advice to Werner, owner of the Jew Lovers: abandon any plans to use closers this year. Follow my lead. Your closers are terrible. Seriously, if you regularly play these closers, you have no shot at the playoffs.

Keeper comparison from last week, starting with Jew Lovers:

-Mauer = 6Runs, 1HR, 5RBI, .500OBP

-Hamilton = 3Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, .435OBP

-Howard = 6Runs, 3HR, 10RBI, .400OBP

-Halladay = 16IP, 0.56ERA, 0.94WHIP, 17K, 2Wins

And Beckett List’s keepers:

-McCann = 6Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP

-Sizemore = 0Runs, 0HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .304OBP

-Roberts = 1Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, 2SB, .250OBP

-Beckett = 11.2IP, 6.17ERA, 1.80WHIP, 5K, 1Win

Red Red Even defeats Polar Bears Rule II 7-2-1

Winning my matchup in week 1 would have been great. But seeing Fred’s pathetic Polar Bears team lose is the next closest thing to victory. Everyone loves watching a non-stop shit-talker get taken to the cleaners. And let’s be honest, this wasn’t a very close matchup. Scott’s Red Red Even had most categories locked up before play even began last Sunday.

Besides just assuming his team is better than the rest of the league (stats have never backed that claim up), Fred’s off to a hot start this year by blasting the league for standing by and letting him pick up Travis Hafner. Yes, you read that right, and no, there isn’t a 2nd Travis Hafner in baseball. How’s that coming along so far, Fred? Hafner putting up some monster numbers? Back to his steroid-induced 2006 numbers is he? AL MVP candidate? Ahh, he’ll be off your team by June 1st.

The Red Red Evens are what we thought they were. Scott’s team may have the best starting pitching this season (solid relievers possible too), but the offense looks to be off to another slow start. Add today’s news that Rollins is heading to the DL for a few weeks, and things don’t look great for an already anemic offense. Can the pitching & defense carry this team until Scott can hire an offensive coordinator (Suzanne maybe?)? Woops, as I write this, I notice the Red Red Evens are towards the top of the league in 3 of 5 offensive categories. Oh well, let’s just roll w/ the “anemic offense” theme until I come up with a better angle.

Last week’s keeper comparison, starting w/ Red Red Evens:

-Youkilis = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .423OBP

-Crawford = 3Runs, 0HR, 6RBI, 2SB, .360OBP

-Rollins = 8Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 2SB, .516OBP

-Wainwright = 7IP, 2.57ERA, 0.71WHIP, 6K, 1Win

And Polar Bears pathetic keepers:

-Longoria = 2Runs, 2HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .391OBP

-Tulowitzki = 3Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .231OBP

-Manny = 2Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .333OBP

-E. Jackson = 12IP, 5.25ERA, 1.50WHIP, 8K, 1Win

The Boston Pancakes defeat The Angry Brets 7-3-0

This was a matchup of 2 of the shittiest offenses I’ve ever seen. These teams combined for 8HRs. As a comparison, 8 of the other 10 teams in this league put up at least 8HRs last week. The key difference between these teams is that the Pancakes offense should come around; the Brets probably will not. The Pancakes got 0 Hrs from A-Rod, P-Field, Dunn, and (giggle) Ortiz. You can expect 3 of those 4 guys to start hitting dingers any time now. Assuming the Pancakes have a suitable upgrade over Ortiz, the offense should start clicking. And by “suitable” I mean “someone who will only stirke out 155 times this year.”

Unfortunately for the Brets, I just don’t see where the power’s going to come from this year. Week 1 looked like what I expected from this team: Utley & Lee hit 1HR per week, and the rest of the team struggles. The pitching wasn’t much better for the Brets as Peavy, Verlander & Vazquez all struggled (and I believe Peavy & Vazquez ran it back this week with 2 more awful starts). Did owner Matt Blanchette think he was getting the NL version of Vazquez instead of the Yankee version? If so, that’s a big oversight.

The Pancakes had an OK week in the pitching categories, but this blogger fears that owner Matty P’s unmatched love for all things Red Sox is gonna get him into trouble down the line. I can just imagine a week (hopefully against my team) where he marches out Ortiz, Buchholz & DiceBB in his starting line up.

Keeper comparison starting with The Pancakes:

-Fielder = 4Runs, 0HR, 2RBI, .385OBP

-A-rod = 4Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .310OBP

-Greinke = 12.2IP, 3.55ERA, 1.18WHIP, 9K, 0Win

-F-her = 13.2IP, 3.29ERA, 1.24WHIP, 9K, 0Win

And the Brets keepers:

-Utley = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .500OBP

-Markakis = 5Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .444OBP

-Upton = 2Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .304OBP

-Verlander = 10IP, 9.00ERA, 1.50WHIP, 9K, 0Win

If you’ve stuck around this long, thanks for reading. This blog is probably the most boring it will ever get as I didn’t pay attention at the end of last week and didn’t take the time to retroactively figure out if anything exciting happened, like 1 team overtaking another during the final hours of the week. I promise to monitor these things more closely in the future. Most importantly, the blog is alive & well, regardless of what that black stripper-hating douche bag from NY has to say about it.