I keep seeing this recurring image where Fred is sitting around his apartment on Monday afternoons with a bottle of champagne on ice, just waiting…waiting & refreshing the fantasy league page to see if I’ve done a new blog yet. And if that day finally comes where no blog is posted, Fred will react much the same as the 1972 Dolphins’ do every year when the last undefeated NFL team loses. (Author’s note: Immediately after I wrote the above sentences, I knew I had written something similar to open my 2nd blog post. What can I say? Marijuana affects the memory. Either way, this one was the more PG-13 version of what I said on that 2nd blog.)
Fred, I’m actually gonna give you some credit. Not for beating Neil this week; that wasn’t very hard. But you actually made it through about 9 blog posts before completely abandoning your duties in 2008. That’s like 6 more than I thought you wrote.
Anyway…
Have you ever heard the saying, “The first 14% is the hardest?” Me neither. But for my ragtag group of nobodies posing as a baseball team, that’s exactly the case. The opening 14% of this season has just been brutal. And because Fred’s team got lucky and caught the Pigeon Boys napping, I am now the only winless team. I think that means my team deserves the least amount of attention/words in this blog. So we’ll save that for the end.
Did you know that there is absolutely no correlation between amount of drafted players already dropped and current level of success? Wouldn’t you think there would be? Maybe 14% is just too early to know. Here is a quick list of what round draft picks have already been dropped by each team (in order of the current league standings):
-Hackin Holts = 16th & 22nd rounds
-Red Red Even = 21st & 22nd rounds
-Boston Pancakes = 12th, 19th, 21st rounds
-Jew Lovers = 14th & 19th rounds
-Dorchestah 34%ers = 14th, 20th, 21st rounds
-Boats ‘n Hoes = NO DRAFT PICKS DROPPED
-Pigeon Boys = 7th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds
-Za Brah = 21st & 22nd rounds
-Beckett List = 17th, 18th, 19th rounds
-Angry Brets = 17th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds
-Polar Bears = 10th, 17th, 18th rounds
-Penetration = 15th & 16th rounds
What can conclusions can be drawn from this pattern? Well, it looks like five teams would have been better served ending their draft after the 18th/19th rounds and just checking with the free agents the next day to round out their teams.
Neil looks to have made the earliest bad pick of the draft as 7th rounder Chris Davis (the Texas 1B version) was sent back to AAA almost a week ago. That seems strange since his numbers (.188avg, OHR, 1RBI) would make him an impact middle-of-the-order hitter in the current Red Sox lineup. When reached for comment, Neil stated, “The two players we drafted from the Rangers organization [Davis, and walks machine Rich Harden] have ranged from somewhat disappointing to unmitigated disaster.” The owner of the Pigeon Boys went on to make a really lame joke about his new player Justin Smoak as the “smoke monster” from Lost.
I don’t know what it means that Boats ‘n Hoes’ owner Pueto hasn’t had to let any drafted players go yet, but it seems like there might be a significance to that. Stay tuned. (Update: after writing the above, Aaron came home & informed me he just dropped Cameron a few hours ago…thanks for ruining my attempt at providing facts, Pueto)
With that stimulating insight, let’s dig into Week 3’s results.
Polar Bears Rule II beats Pigeon Boys 7-3-0
I’m not always about the animosity and hatred towards you, Fred. This week your victory gets to lead off the most anticipated blog yet. Anyway, welcome to the winner’s club. Actually, maybe someone that belongs to that club should officially welcome you.
Before gameplay on Friday, I wrote in my secret fantasy baseball diary that there were still 6 categories up for grabs between these 2 teams. Unfortunately the Pigeon Boys didn’t see the need to “grab” any of those categories as the Pbears held a significant lead through the weekend. For the Pigeons, you can either blame the closers + Harden for screwing up the saves and WHIP categories that Neil counts on, or you can place responsibility on any offensive player not named Braun or Wieters. This was the type of offensive performance that makes an owner sell his team for 10 cents on the dollar at 3a.m. over a bottle of whiskey. If you take out Braun’s 8 & Wieters’ 4RBI, the rest of this team combined for 10RBI for the week. The team also had a mammoth 3HR for the week (2 from Braun). Never one to shy away from “disciplining through the media,” Neil put the bulk of the blame squarely on the shoulders of Aramis Ramirez and Yunel Escobar. “The left side of the infield has not played well at all, to the point that on Friday I decided it was best for the team to send a message, and we only played 7 players that game, benching the 3B and SS positions,” the owner said. “Once those guys start hitting the offense will be fine.” …whatever makes you sleep at night.
As for the Pbears…whatever. I mean, who really cares? The 2nd worst team in the league won a game. Great. Oh, I’m supposed to be unbiased… the Pbears’ closers were amazing this week, and they were certainly the difference in a couple key categories. Offensively, it was the P-Kon show as Konerko slugged 4HR and 6RBI. The rest of the offense wasn’t fantastic, but it didn’t need to be while facing Neil’s limp-dick players.
Jew Lovers beat Boats ’n Hoes 5-5-0 (Lovers wins Runs tiebreaker)
How ironic for the undefeated powerhouse of Boats ’n Hoes to lose for the 1st time because of Runs scored (lost by 6). Ironic because they lead the league in Runs scored. Such is life in a cutthroat league.
If it hadn’t been for Carlos Lee’s unlikely stolen base on Sunday, the lack of Runs would have been irrelevant. First of all, it’s pathetic these 2 teams combined for 3 total SB. But Pueto just ran into bad luck considering a) Carlos Lee has a .186 OBP so it’s not like he’s often on base to have the chance to steal, and b) He steals less than 5 bases per year. Ouch. What’s worse is that the Hoes have 4 players who each had 25+ SB last year.
As has been the case all year, the Hoes had enough solid bats in the lineup to take 3 of the 5 offensive categories. Morneau, Kemp, Ethier, Michael Young all contributed in a big way. The starting pitching, specifically Lackey’s 1st start of the week and Scott Baker’s only start really put the Hoes out of commission in ERA & WHIP. When asked to comment on his team’s disappointing week, owner Pueto said, “No comment. Wait, no, make something up.”
And on the Jew Lovers’ side, they continued to get dominating pitching from Roy Halladay, lone challenger to the Lincecum Cy Young Throne (LCYT). Halladay pitched a complete game shutout on Wednesday…there’s no stopping the guy (that’s an inside joke to myself since I’m writing this while the Giants light Halladay up). It was a week of great pitching all around for Werner’s team, especially with the closers turning into all-stars ever since I called them out 2 weeks ago.
With a nice win and 2-1 record, Werner’s only concern now is making sure Ryan Howard understands that people who make $25million/year don’t put up stats like he “produced” last week: .231 OBP, 0HR, 2RBI. At age 30, some wonder if the Jew Lovers will be stuck in a “David Ortiz on the 2010 Red Sox roster” situation eventually…only for twice the price. And finally, Werner, as a personal gift for beating what looked like the best team in the league, I present you my team, ripe for a raping & not much fight in ‘em.
Boston Pancakes beats Za Brah 6-4-0
One of the season’s first matchups between natural rivals didn’t disappoint as the Pancakes won a very tight race that was still anyone’s game going into the weekend. On top of a gut-wrenching loss, the Za Brahs now have to deal with their 8th round pick, Fat Carlos, moving to a mop up spot in the bullpen. Compounding the Brahs problems is the ongoing Ellsbury injury and Jason Bay’s predictable lack of power. Keep an eye on this team…in the always-inspiring words of Shea Hillenbrand, “This ship is sinking.”
Some would say the Pancakes won this week despite the team’s best efforts to blow it. The offense didn’t do anything amazing, and the pitching…well the big problem with pitching--wins--wasn’t anything the Pancakes could really control. Out of 5 quality starts, the team got exactly 1 win. That’s the type of bad luck that’ll kill you against a competent opponent.
For Pancakes owner MattyP, beyond the week 3 battle, it was a good news/bad news week. The good news is that DiceBB is finally scheduled to make his comeback (or is that the bad news?). The bad news is that the Pancakes have without a doubt the most bush league player in the history of baseball. Even in my coed softball league the girls know not to step on the mound when they’re waddling back to 1st base. A-rod is a clubhouse cancer that can destroy a fantasy team’s momentum. And with only 2HR on the season, MattyP might have to think long & hard about cutting him loose (or trading him to the worst team in the league).
Red Red Even beats Beckett List 6-4-0
The only matchup that really went down to the wire on Sunday was the sibling rivalry. Going into Friday’s games, there were still 9 categories up for grabs. At the start of Sunday, it was clear what the Beckett List needed to do: overtake RBI & Runs and win the week. Bryan’s team took care of the RBIs but could only muster up 4 Runs as big brother Scott escaped with a victory. It’s OK, Bryan. When we can’t get revenge on our older brothers in fantasy baseball, we do it instead through embarrassing wedding toasts.
And I should apologize to Bryan for putting an awesome jinx on Josh Beckett last week when I praised him as, “…one of the few Red Sox players displaying actual talent this year.” Clearly Beckett thought I was singling him out so he decided to throw 2 of the worst games of his career to show me where to put my words of kindness. While Beckett won the week for the Beckett List in week 2, you could argue he single handedly cost his team the win in week 3...and is probably on his way to ruining week 4 after yesterday’s atrocity in Toronto.
For the Red Red Evens, it was an awesome display of pitching in week 3 even though they were outstarted 7-5. In 39.1 innings, the pitching staff allowed only 6ER and 33 base runners for a miniscule 1.37ERA and 0.84WHIP. Scott’s team now leads the league in team ERA and WHIP.
When you realize that about 14 of Scott’s 17 starters last week were listed as “day-to-day,” it seems like an even gutsier win.
Hackin’ Holts beat Angry Brets 7-1-2
If you had looked at this matchup on Sunday morning, and let’s face it you probably didn’t because you probably have a life, you would have seen the Holts beating up on the Brets in the form of a 10-0-0 lead. You may have thought the battle was over. But upon closer review, the Holts only had 2 categories locked up at that point (SB & OBP). This is the type of week that Brets owner Matt Blanchette will be stewing over for a while. Part of the reason is that he simply has a bad temper and doesn’t take kindly to losing, but more importantly, this one was so damn close. If Matt could have coaxed 2 more HR and 1 more win out of his players, he would have won the week. The 2HR seemed do-able, but that W would have had to come from Javier Vazquez, and we all know that’s a near impossibility. It’s a good thing Blanchette took Vazquez out of his lineup in week 4; otherwise the commissioner’s office might have had to step in and make some tough decisions.
There are rumors swirling that Holts owner Graham Holt used last week’s blog as bulletin board material to inspire his team. After all, last year’s defending champ was largely ignored as the blog sang the praises of the only 2 undefeated teams. Graham must be pleased that his team responded with a spanking of the Brets. And sure enough, the Holts now stand in 1st place (though I have no idea how 7 teams w/ a 2-1 record get placed into their respective spots in the standings). And while the Holts certainly did not impress on the offensive side of the ball (except 11SB), the pitching was phenomenal. Some owners may have been hesitant to start Ubaldo after such a taxing no-hit effort last week, but Graham marched him right out there and he responded with another Ace-like performance. A closer look reveals the Holts now rank 2nd in Saves, ERA & WHIP, and 3rd in Wins.
Dorchestah 34%ers beat Smell of Penetration 7-3-0
What a strange week…an emotional rollercoaster ride, but one that had an all-too-familiar ending for the Penetrations. Look at it from owner Ross Gariepy’s point of view: after Tuesday the Penetrations had Saves locked up (1-0) because Dorchestah didn’t start any closers. They also had SB locked up because their 2 Texas players (Andrus & Cruz) got to run wild (6SB combined) against Victor “how much longer can I blame this on the pitchers” Martinez. The Penetrations also noticed on Tuesday that Dorchestah starting pitcher J.A. Happ was out for the week. All of these things pointed to Penetration’s first competitive week. And sure enough on Sunday morning, they still had a fighting chance. But fight was the exact opposite of what the players did…instead they packed it in early Sunday to prepare for week 4’s embarrassing matchup.
As for Ben “offensive powerhouse” Sardella, he actually got an amazing pitching week from everybody not named Cole Hamels. 55Ks in 43innings helps explain why this pitching staff leads the league in Ks by 21. The Dorchestahs are kind of all over the map in the pitching categories though: 7th in Wins, Last in Saves, 3rd in ERA, and 5th in WHIP. That tells me the team has the pitching talent, but with an owner who doesn’t quite know how to harness all that talent yet.
Though Ben played the worst team in fantasy history in week 3, he did what he had to do. Now he gets to go up against everybody’s least favorite friend, Fred. Good luck, Dorchestah.
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