(Author’s Note: I know with each passing day, Fred’s erection has gotten longer & longer as he waits to pounce on me for giving up on the blog so quickly. Can’t you just picture that smug little prick opening his email every few hours, seeing no blog-related mail, and pumping a little fresh cream into his underwear? Well, prepare to have that boner deflated, buddy, because this blogger’s just warming up. Going forward I will be trying to have a new blog post every Monday with a recap from the previous week. This week has been tough…a couple Red Sox day games will do that.)
Congratulations to the 6 winners from Week 1. You already have 33% of the total wins that the 2009 last place team got, and more importantly, you’ve got 1 more win than this year’s last place team (me) will most likely attain. Jobs well done.
The top 3 teams from the ‘09 regular season served notice last week, starting the 2010 schedule right where they left off. Let’s start with those matchups:
Pigeon Boys defeat The Smell of Penetration 8-1-1
Not much to say here. One team actually has an owner who seems to understand how baseball is played, and the other team doesn’t. After one week, I’m convinced that someone could assemble a full team just from available Free Agents that is more talented than the Penetrations. “But wait, Ross, it’s just week 1,” you say. “Don’t be so quick to judge your team.” As much as I appreciate those encouraging words, I know the look of a .500 team when I see one. And the Penetrations will have to pull off miracles this year in order to be that .500 team.
On the other side of the diamond, the Pigeon Boys are certainly happy with the win, but owner Neil Gariepy knows his team will have to play much better going forward in order to beat the top dawgs of this league. A .310 OBP isn’t going to get it done on the regular. Neither is a pitching staff that would have had a 4.95 ERA if you take the best pitcher in baseball out of the equation. And let’s face it, the Pigeon Boys can’t rely on 14 innings of amazing ball from Lincecum on a weekly basis (especially with today's announcement of his season-ending surgery). Someone else on that staff will have to step up.
Just for shits & giggles, let’s do a quick review of how each team’s keepers performed in week 1, starting with the Pigeon Boys:
-Pedroia = 6Runs, 3HR, 7RBI, .433OBP
-Upton = 6Runs, 1HR, 2RBI, 1SB, .423OBP
-Braun = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .346OBP
-Lincecum = 14IP, 1.29ERA, 0.71WHIP, 17K, 2Wins
And now the Penetrations:
-Bruce = 0Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .100OBP
-Jones = 4Runs, 1HR, 1RBI, .259OBP
-Lester = 5IP, 7.20ERA, 1.60WHIP, 4K, 0Win
-Lee = Was able to throw 11 pitches from his wheel chair…on flat ground.
I wonder why the final score for this matchup was 8-1-1.
Dorchestah 34%ers defeat Hackin’ Holts 5-4-1
In what can only be described as a head-scratching scheduling snafu, this was a rematch of last year’s Championship Game. Of course these owners would rather have had this matchup later in the year…after having a few weeks to tinker with the lineups and see what they’re working with. But instead of bitching & moaning about the schedule, maybe these owners should have actually paid attention to their players before the start of last week’s games. It is inexcusable to start a player who is 100% guaranteed to begin the year on the DL. Both teams made this mistake (Dorchestahs started Kinsler, Holts started Wood), and in such a tight matchup, who knows how the outcome would have changed with competent owners controlling these teams.
Channeling my inner Nostradamus, I predicted that Ben’s team would be an offensive force, but the pitching would suffer if he didn’t draft well. The 34%ers didn’t disappoint in week 1. Their offense would have beaten nearly every other team’s, and their pitching was the worst in the league. Owner Ben Sardella, a constant waiver wire trawler, isn’t likely to put up with the awful pitching for long. For defending champ Hackin’ Holts, it’s gotta be a bitter opening week, taking the loss and also having to second guess keeper decisions when owner Graham Holt sees what Matt Wieters is doing on a new team.
Speaking of keepers, here’s the comparison for these 2 teams, starting with the 34%ers:
-Reynolds = 5Runs, 2HR, 4RBI, .320OBP
-Holliday = 8Runs, 3HR, 6RBI, 1SB, .444OBP
-M. Cabrera = 6Runs, 2HR, 8RBI, .621OBP
-Kinsler = confusingly in the starting line up
And for the Holts:
-Teixeira = 5Runs, 0HR, 3RBI, .276OBP
-Wright = 4Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, .481OBP
-Sabathia = 13IP, 3.46ERA, 0.85WHIP, 9K, 1Win
-Cain = 6.2IP, 4.05ERA, 0.90WHIP, 5K, 0Win
Props to the 34%ers for not overlooking week 1 even with a huge showdown looming against Pigeon Boys in week 2.
Team Boats ‘n Hoes defeats Za Brah 6-3-1
The Za Brahs got off to a particularly bad start when Carlos Zambrano decided to take a steamy dump right on the chest of owner Ryan Lavery. Oh wait, that wasn’t a dump, that was Zambrano turning in his time sheet for the day: 1.1inning, 8runs, 1K. Solid work Carlos. The Brahs never really got it turned around as Boats ‘n Hoes maintained their lead all week. This was a huge win for owner Aaron Gariepy as he can basically count on a 2-0 start now(he’s playing my team this week).
While the Brahs can’t be too excited about their week 1 performance, they can at least take solace in the fact that Pujols looks like he’s a lock for another MVP year. It’s likely the Brahs will be winning the SB category more often than not…so that’s something. The biggest concern for this team now is getting Ellsbury (a keeper) healthy. He’s missed the last 2 games & looks like he’ll miss a few more, meaning the Brahs wasted a starting spot on him this week.
Here’s the keeper comparison from last week, starting with Boats ‘n Hoes:
-Morneau = 7Runs, 2HR, 6RBI, .484OBP
-H. Ramirez = 3Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP
-Phillips = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .240OBP
-Kemp = 6Runs, 1HR, 7RBI, 1SB, .333OBP
And for the Brah’s keepers:
-Ellsbury = 6Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .333OBP
-Pujols = 7Runs, 4HR, 10RBI, .444OBP
-Gonzalez = 4Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, .429OBP
-J. Santana = 11IP, 4.91ERA, 1.27WHIP, 8K, 1Win
While the Brah’s keepers kept up with Boats ‘n Hoes, it was the complimentary players that let them down.
The Jew Lovers defeat The Beckett List 5-4-1
Do you wanna know what keeps fantasy baseball commissioners up at night? It’s the nightmarish thought of 2 of his league’s owners caring so little that they start players who are definitely on the DL. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I read things like, “Manager Charlie Manuel anticipates Blanton will be able to return within three weeks,” and, “Street is expected to miss at least a month after getting shut down for the third time this spring,” I tend to avoid putting these players in my starting line up. But hey, what do I know?
Now these 2 teams have even more to worry about as additional players from each roster were added to the DL late last week.
A few words of advice to Werner, owner of the Jew Lovers: abandon any plans to use closers this year. Follow my lead. Your closers are terrible. Seriously, if you regularly play these closers, you have no shot at the playoffs.
Keeper comparison from last week, starting with Jew Lovers:
-Mauer = 6Runs, 1HR, 5RBI, .500OBP
-Hamilton = 3Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, .435OBP
-Howard = 6Runs, 3HR, 10RBI, .400OBP
-Halladay = 16IP, 0.56ERA, 0.94WHIP, 17K, 2Wins
And Beckett List’s keepers:
-McCann = 6Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP
-Sizemore = 0Runs, 0HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .304OBP
-Roberts = 1Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, 2SB, .250OBP
-Beckett = 11.2IP, 6.17ERA, 1.80WHIP, 5K, 1Win
Red Red Even defeats Polar Bears Rule II 7-2-1
Winning my matchup in week 1 would have been great. But seeing Fred’s pathetic Polar Bears team lose is the next closest thing to victory. Everyone loves watching a non-stop shit-talker get taken to the cleaners. And let’s be honest, this wasn’t a very close matchup. Scott’s Red Red Even had most categories locked up before play even began last Sunday.
Besides just assuming his team is better than the rest of the league (stats have never backed that claim up), Fred’s off to a hot start this year by blasting the league for standing by and letting him pick up Travis Hafner. Yes, you read that right, and no, there isn’t a 2nd Travis Hafner in baseball. How’s that coming along so far, Fred? Hafner putting up some monster numbers? Back to his steroid-induced 2006 numbers is he? AL MVP candidate? Ahh, he’ll be off your team by June 1st.
The Red Red Evens are what we thought they were. Scott’s team may have the best starting pitching this season (solid relievers possible too), but the offense looks to be off to another slow start. Add today’s news that Rollins is heading to the DL for a few weeks, and things don’t look great for an already anemic offense. Can the pitching & defense carry this team until Scott can hire an offensive coordinator (Suzanne maybe?)? Woops, as I write this, I notice the Red Red Evens are towards the top of the league in 3 of 5 offensive categories. Oh well, let’s just roll w/ the “anemic offense” theme until I come up with a better angle.
Last week’s keeper comparison, starting w/ Red Red Evens:
-Youkilis = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .423OBP
-Crawford = 3Runs, 0HR, 6RBI, 2SB, .360OBP
-Rollins = 8Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 2SB, .516OBP
-Wainwright = 7IP, 2.57ERA, 0.71WHIP, 6K, 1Win
And Polar Bears pathetic keepers:
-Longoria = 2Runs, 2HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .391OBP
-Tulowitzki = 3Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .231OBP
-Manny = 2Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .333OBP
-E. Jackson = 12IP, 5.25ERA, 1.50WHIP, 8K, 1Win
The Boston Pancakes defeat The Angry Brets 7-3-0
This was a matchup of 2 of the shittiest offenses I’ve ever seen. These teams combined for 8HRs. As a comparison, 8 of the other 10 teams in this league put up at least 8HRs last week. The key difference between these teams is that the Pancakes offense should come around; the Brets probably will not. The Pancakes got 0 Hrs from A-Rod, P-Field, Dunn, and (giggle) Ortiz. You can expect 3 of those 4 guys to start hitting dingers any time now. Assuming the Pancakes have a suitable upgrade over Ortiz, the offense should start clicking. And by “suitable” I mean “someone who will only stirke out 155 times this year.”
Unfortunately for the Brets, I just don’t see where the power’s going to come from this year. Week 1 looked like what I expected from this team: Utley & Lee hit 1HR per week, and the rest of the team struggles. The pitching wasn’t much better for the Brets as Peavy, Verlander & Vazquez all struggled (and I believe Peavy & Vazquez ran it back this week with 2 more awful starts). Did owner Matt Blanchette think he was getting the NL version of Vazquez instead of the Yankee version? If so, that’s a big oversight.
The Pancakes had an OK week in the pitching categories, but this blogger fears that owner Matty P’s unmatched love for all things Red Sox is gonna get him into trouble down the line. I can just imagine a week (hopefully against my team) where he marches out Ortiz, Buchholz & DiceBB in his starting line up.
Keeper comparison starting with The Pancakes:
-Fielder = 4Runs, 0HR, 2RBI, .385OBP
-A-rod = 4Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .310OBP
-Greinke = 12.2IP, 3.55ERA, 1.18WHIP, 9K, 0Win
-F-her = 13.2IP, 3.29ERA, 1.24WHIP, 9K, 0Win
And the Brets keepers:
-Utley = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .500OBP
-Markakis = 5Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .444OBP
-Upton = 2Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .304OBP
-Verlander = 10IP, 9.00ERA, 1.50WHIP, 9K, 0Win
If you’ve stuck around this long, thanks for reading. This blog is probably the most boring it will ever get as I didn’t pay attention at the end of last week and didn’t take the time to retroactively figure out if anything exciting happened, like 1 team overtaking another during the final hours of the week. I promise to monitor these things more closely in the future. Most importantly, the blog is alive & well, regardless of what that black stripper-hating douche bag from NY has to say about it.
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