We're only 14% of the way through this season...sigh

I keep seeing this recurring image where Fred is sitting around his apartment on Monday afternoons with a bottle of champagne on ice, just waiting…waiting & refreshing the fantasy league page to see if I’ve done a new blog yet. And if that day finally comes where no blog is posted, Fred will react much the same as the 1972 Dolphins’ do every year when the last undefeated NFL team loses. (Author’s note: Immediately after I wrote the above sentences, I knew I had written something similar to open my 2nd blog post. What can I say? Marijuana affects the memory. Either way, this one was the more PG-13 version of what I said on that 2nd blog.)

Fred, I’m actually gonna give you some credit. Not for beating Neil this week; that wasn’t very hard. But you actually made it through about 9 blog posts before completely abandoning your duties in 2008. That’s like 6 more than I thought you wrote.

Anyway…

Have you ever heard the saying, “The first 14% is the hardest?” Me neither. But for my ragtag group of nobodies posing as a baseball team, that’s exactly the case. The opening 14% of this season has just been brutal. And because Fred’s team got lucky and caught the Pigeon Boys napping, I am now the only winless team. I think that means my team deserves the least amount of attention/words in this blog. So we’ll save that for the end.

Did you know that there is absolutely no correlation between amount of drafted players already dropped and current level of success? Wouldn’t you think there would be? Maybe 14% is just too early to know. Here is a quick list of what round draft picks have already been dropped by each team (in order of the current league standings):

-Hackin Holts = 16th & 22nd rounds

-Red Red Even = 21st & 22nd rounds

-Boston Pancakes = 12th, 19th, 21st rounds

-Jew Lovers = 14th & 19th rounds

-Dorchestah 34%ers = 14th, 20th, 21st rounds

-Boats ‘n Hoes = NO DRAFT PICKS DROPPED

-Pigeon Boys = 7th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds

-Za Brah = 21st & 22nd rounds

-Beckett List = 17th, 18th, 19th rounds

-Angry Brets = 17th, 20th, 21st, 22nd rounds

-Polar Bears = 10th, 17th, 18th rounds

-Penetration = 15th & 16th rounds

What can conclusions can be drawn from this pattern? Well, it looks like five teams would have been better served ending their draft after the 18th/19th rounds and just checking with the free agents the next day to round out their teams.

Neil looks to have made the earliest bad pick of the draft as 7th rounder Chris Davis (the Texas 1B version) was sent back to AAA almost a week ago. That seems strange since his numbers (.188avg, OHR, 1RBI) would make him an impact middle-of-the-order hitter in the current Red Sox lineup. When reached for comment, Neil stated, “The two players we drafted from the Rangers organization [Davis, and walks machine Rich Harden] have ranged from somewhat disappointing to unmitigated disaster.” The owner of the Pigeon Boys went on to make a really lame joke about his new player Justin Smoak as the “smoke monster” from Lost.

I don’t know what it means that Boats ‘n Hoes’ owner Pueto hasn’t had to let any drafted players go yet, but it seems like there might be a significance to that. Stay tuned. (Update: after writing the above, Aaron came home & informed me he just dropped Cameron a few hours ago…thanks for ruining my attempt at providing facts, Pueto)

With that stimulating insight, let’s dig into Week 3’s results.

Polar Bears Rule II beats Pigeon Boys 7-3-0

I’m not always about the animosity and hatred towards you, Fred. This week your victory gets to lead off the most anticipated blog yet. Anyway, welcome to the winner’s club. Actually, maybe someone that belongs to that club should officially welcome you.

Before gameplay on Friday, I wrote in my secret fantasy baseball diary that there were still 6 categories up for grabs between these 2 teams. Unfortunately the Pigeon Boys didn’t see the need to “grab” any of those categories as the Pbears held a significant lead through the weekend. For the Pigeons, you can either blame the closers + Harden for screwing up the saves and WHIP categories that Neil counts on, or you can place responsibility on any offensive player not named Braun or Wieters. This was the type of offensive performance that makes an owner sell his team for 10 cents on the dollar at 3a.m. over a bottle of whiskey. If you take out Braun’s 8 & Wieters’ 4RBI, the rest of this team combined for 10RBI for the week. The team also had a mammoth 3HR for the week (2 from Braun). Never one to shy away from “disciplining through the media,” Neil put the bulk of the blame squarely on the shoulders of Aramis Ramirez and Yunel Escobar. “The left side of the infield has not played well at all, to the point that on Friday I decided it was best for the team to send a message, and we only played 7 players that game, benching the 3B and SS positions,” the owner said. “Once those guys start hitting the offense will be fine.” …whatever makes you sleep at night.

As for the Pbears…whatever. I mean, who really cares? The 2nd worst team in the league won a game. Great. Oh, I’m supposed to be unbiased… the Pbears’ closers were amazing this week, and they were certainly the difference in a couple key categories. Offensively, it was the P-Kon show as Konerko slugged 4HR and 6RBI. The rest of the offense wasn’t fantastic, but it didn’t need to be while facing Neil’s limp-dick players.

Jew Lovers beat Boats ’n Hoes 5-5-0 (Lovers wins Runs tiebreaker)

How ironic for the undefeated powerhouse of Boats ’n Hoes to lose for the 1st time because of Runs scored (lost by 6). Ironic because they lead the league in Runs scored. Such is life in a cutthroat league.

If it hadn’t been for Carlos Lee’s unlikely stolen base on Sunday, the lack of Runs would have been irrelevant. First of all, it’s pathetic these 2 teams combined for 3 total SB. But Pueto just ran into bad luck considering a) Carlos Lee has a .186 OBP so it’s not like he’s often on base to have the chance to steal, and b) He steals less than 5 bases per year. Ouch. What’s worse is that the Hoes have 4 players who each had 25+ SB last year.

As has been the case all year, the Hoes had enough solid bats in the lineup to take 3 of the 5 offensive categories. Morneau, Kemp, Ethier, Michael Young all contributed in a big way. The starting pitching, specifically Lackey’s 1st start of the week and Scott Baker’s only start really put the Hoes out of commission in ERA & WHIP. When asked to comment on his team’s disappointing week, owner Pueto said, “No comment. Wait, no, make something up.”

And on the Jew Lovers’ side, they continued to get dominating pitching from Roy Halladay, lone challenger to the Lincecum Cy Young Throne (LCYT). Halladay pitched a complete game shutout on Wednesday…there’s no stopping the guy (that’s an inside joke to myself since I’m writing this while the Giants light Halladay up). It was a week of great pitching all around for Werner’s team, especially with the closers turning into all-stars ever since I called them out 2 weeks ago.

With a nice win and 2-1 record, Werner’s only concern now is making sure Ryan Howard understands that people who make $25million/year don’t put up stats like he “produced” last week: .231 OBP, 0HR, 2RBI. At age 30, some wonder if the Jew Lovers will be stuck in a “David Ortiz on the 2010 Red Sox roster” situation eventually…only for twice the price. And finally, Werner, as a personal gift for beating what looked like the best team in the league, I present you my team, ripe for a raping & not much fight in ‘em.

Boston Pancakes beats Za Brah 6-4-0

One of the season’s first matchups between natural rivals didn’t disappoint as the Pancakes won a very tight race that was still anyone’s game going into the weekend. On top of a gut-wrenching loss, the Za Brahs now have to deal with their 8th round pick, Fat Carlos, moving to a mop up spot in the bullpen. Compounding the Brahs problems is the ongoing Ellsbury injury and Jason Bay’s predictable lack of power. Keep an eye on this team…in the always-inspiring words of Shea Hillenbrand, “This ship is sinking.”

Some would say the Pancakes won this week despite the team’s best efforts to blow it. The offense didn’t do anything amazing, and the pitching…well the big problem with pitching--wins--wasn’t anything the Pancakes could really control. Out of 5 quality starts, the team got exactly 1 win. That’s the type of bad luck that’ll kill you against a competent opponent.

For Pancakes owner MattyP, beyond the week 3 battle, it was a good news/bad news week. The good news is that DiceBB is finally scheduled to make his comeback (or is that the bad news?). The bad news is that the Pancakes have without a doubt the most bush league player in the history of baseball. Even in my coed softball league the girls know not to step on the mound when they’re waddling back to 1st base. A-rod is a clubhouse cancer that can destroy a fantasy team’s momentum. And with only 2HR on the season, MattyP might have to think long & hard about cutting him loose (or trading him to the worst team in the league).

Red Red Even beats Beckett List 6-4-0

The only matchup that really went down to the wire on Sunday was the sibling rivalry. Going into Friday’s games, there were still 9 categories up for grabs. At the start of Sunday, it was clear what the Beckett List needed to do: overtake RBI & Runs and win the week. Bryan’s team took care of the RBIs but could only muster up 4 Runs as big brother Scott escaped with a victory. It’s OK, Bryan. When we can’t get revenge on our older brothers in fantasy baseball, we do it instead through embarrassing wedding toasts.

And I should apologize to Bryan for putting an awesome jinx on Josh Beckett last week when I praised him as, “…one of the few Red Sox players displaying actual talent this year.” Clearly Beckett thought I was singling him out so he decided to throw 2 of the worst games of his career to show me where to put my words of kindness. While Beckett won the week for the Beckett List in week 2, you could argue he single handedly cost his team the win in week 3...and is probably on his way to ruining week 4 after yesterday’s atrocity in Toronto.

For the Red Red Evens, it was an awesome display of pitching in week 3 even though they were outstarted 7-5. In 39.1 innings, the pitching staff allowed only 6ER and 33 base runners for a miniscule 1.37ERA and 0.84WHIP. Scott’s team now leads the league in team ERA and WHIP.

When you realize that about 14 of Scott’s 17 starters last week were listed as “day-to-day,” it seems like an even gutsier win.

Hackin’ Holts beat Angry Brets 7-1-2

If you had looked at this matchup on Sunday morning, and let’s face it you probably didn’t because you probably have a life, you would have seen the Holts beating up on the Brets in the form of a 10-0-0 lead. You may have thought the battle was over. But upon closer review, the Holts only had 2 categories locked up at that point (SB & OBP). This is the type of week that Brets owner Matt Blanchette will be stewing over for a while. Part of the reason is that he simply has a bad temper and doesn’t take kindly to losing, but more importantly, this one was so damn close. If Matt could have coaxed 2 more HR and 1 more win out of his players, he would have won the week. The 2HR seemed do-able, but that W would have had to come from Javier Vazquez, and we all know that’s a near impossibility. It’s a good thing Blanchette took Vazquez out of his lineup in week 4; otherwise the commissioner’s office might have had to step in and make some tough decisions.

There are rumors swirling that Holts owner Graham Holt used last week’s blog as bulletin board material to inspire his team. After all, last year’s defending champ was largely ignored as the blog sang the praises of the only 2 undefeated teams. Graham must be pleased that his team responded with a spanking of the Brets. And sure enough, the Holts now stand in 1st place (though I have no idea how 7 teams w/ a 2-1 record get placed into their respective spots in the standings). And while the Holts certainly did not impress on the offensive side of the ball (except 11SB), the pitching was phenomenal. Some owners may have been hesitant to start Ubaldo after such a taxing no-hit effort last week, but Graham marched him right out there and he responded with another Ace-like performance. A closer look reveals the Holts now rank 2nd in Saves, ERA & WHIP, and 3rd in Wins.

Dorchestah 34%ers beat Smell of Penetration 7-3-0

What a strange week…an emotional rollercoaster ride, but one that had an all-too-familiar ending for the Penetrations. Look at it from owner Ross Gariepy’s point of view: after Tuesday the Penetrations had Saves locked up (1-0) because Dorchestah didn’t start any closers. They also had SB locked up because their 2 Texas players (Andrus & Cruz) got to run wild (6SB combined) against Victor “how much longer can I blame this on the pitchers” Martinez. The Penetrations also noticed on Tuesday that Dorchestah starting pitcher J.A. Happ was out for the week. All of these things pointed to Penetration’s first competitive week. And sure enough on Sunday morning, they still had a fighting chance. But fight was the exact opposite of what the players did…instead they packed it in early Sunday to prepare for week 4’s embarrassing matchup.

As for Ben “offensive powerhouse” Sardella, he actually got an amazing pitching week from everybody not named Cole Hamels. 55Ks in 43innings helps explain why this pitching staff leads the league in Ks by 21. The Dorchestahs are kind of all over the map in the pitching categories though: 7th in Wins, Last in Saves, 3rd in ERA, and 5th in WHIP. That tells me the team has the pitching talent, but with an owner who doesn’t quite know how to harness all that talent yet.

Though Ben played the worst team in fantasy history in week 3, he did what he had to do. Now he gets to go up against everybody’s least favorite friend, Fred. Good luck, Dorchestah.

Week 2...Is it almost time for fantasy football? Please?

Quick non-fantasy story for you all…Aaron & I were golfing on Sunday afternoon and a woman who was in our group asked me if we’re from Wisconsin. She paused for a few seconds which gave me time to wonder why the hell she’d think that. Then she says “Or do you guys just like drinking Pabst?” As Aaron said later, that was one of the most random assumptions ever made…we drink PBRs so we must be from Wisconsin.

Speaking of assumptions, I assumed going into week 2 that I had no chance to win the saves category. I loaded up on starts--9 total I think--and only had 1 closer. I assumed I’d take wins and give up saves, and of course the opposite happened. Only 3 wins from my 9 starts & somehow 3 saves from 1 guy was enough to win that category. Of course none of this matters when your opponent has 6 categories locked up by Tuesday.

On a related note, I’m now focusing all my efforts on scouting players for next year, so within a few weeks I expect to make an announcement regarding who the 1st overall pick in the 2011 draft will be. Stay tuned.

Overall it was a pretty uninteresting weekend as every team that was winning on Friday held on to win the week. Where’s the drama? Oh well, let’s begin our week 2 recap with the closest matchup so far this year.

Angry Brets beat Red Red Even 5-5-0

In years past, this would have gone in the books as a tie, but alas the league has evolved, changes have been made, and Scott is the first one to get screwed by the Runs Tiebreaker. With such a tight race going into the weekend (Brets led 6-4 on Friday morning), you’d think the Evens would make a conscious effort to close the gap on runs knowing it could come down to that. They didn’t. As a matter of fact, the Evens played most of the week as if they were running out a bunch of David Ortiz & J.D. Drew clones on offense. Of course it doesn’t help to start a player who’s on the DL (Rollins…though he didn’t get hurt until Monday, bad luck there), and another player who’s hurt most of the week (Carlos Gonzalez).

In this space last week, the Brets’ offense was ripped to shreds, possibly prematurely. They certainly responded by mashing 14HRs with 46RBI. Chase Utley took the media’s harsh words most personally as he put up an amazing 5HRs alone this week. The Brets’ offense was so good this week that even starting a player who didn’t play for a good chunk of the week (Zimmerman) couldn’t hurt them.

The pitching matchup went almost exactly as expected. The Evens loaded up on starts (8) while the Brets loaded up on closers (4). Sure enough the Brets won saves…just barely. The Evens took the other 4 pitching categories. The key to the Evens’ pitching week was getting a combined 29innings, 0.62ERA from Wainwright, Oswalt, Rivera & Nunez. Question for the Brets: how long is the Javier Vazquez experiment gonna go on for? I don’t play your team until week 7 so I say keep the experiment alive at least until then.

Final note: Sometimes there is just so much info to pour over that even the best blogger misses some interesting stats, but I can’t believe I almost missed this one: the Angry Brets have not gotten a single Win from their pitchers yet this year!

Let’s move on to the only 2 undefeated teams in the league: Pigeon Boys and Boats ‘n Hoes. Coincidentally both teams had their wins locked up very early this week.

Pigeon Boys beat Dorchestah 34%ers 6-4-0

Sure you could look at this score and think it was a great matchup. A battle of crusty old owners who have been facing each other in fantasy sports for most of their lives. But you’d be ignorant. You see, as early as Friday morning the Pigeon Boys had 5 categories locked up, including Runs. So it was a stress-free weekend for Neil, knowing he couldn’t possibly lose. Even though Dorchestah made a late charge and almost caught the Boys in HRs, it wouldn’t have mattered since Neil’s team had 5 saves over the weekend to lock that category up too.

In case you haven’t noticed, Neil’s pitching strategy this year is to go with 4 closers and only 3 starters. One of those starters is Lincecum. The goal is to win Saves, ERA, WHIP each week, and not care much about Ks and Wins. For a moment it seemed the strategy might not pay off this week as he only won Saves and even that was up for debate until the weekend.

While the Boys didn’t put up eye-popping offensive numbers this week (except for 8SBs), they would have basically had to somehow put up negative numbers in order to lose to the 34%ers. If it wasn’t for a 4HR, 9RBI, .529OBP day on Sunday, Ben‘s team would have put up Rossian stats for the week.. For a team so obviously built on offense, Dorchestah is middle of the pack in Runs, RBI, OBP and last in SB. Leading the way in HR is a small consolation at this time. Perhaps Ian Kinsler’s pending return 2 weeks from now will be the straw that stirs the 34%ers offensive drink. Oh, wait, Dorchestah plays Smell of Penetration this week? Consider yourself 2-1, Ben, and feel free to start focusing on your week 4 matchup.

Final Note: As good as Neil probably thinks his team is right now, it’s not like he’s tearing things up statistically. Here is where he’s at compared to the league: Runs = 6th, HR = 6th, RBI = 4th, SB = 3rd, OBP = 11th, K = 10th, Wins = 8th, SV = 1st, ERA, 8th, WHIP = 10th. Some would say he’s a lucky 2-0.

Team Boats ‘n Hoes beats Smell of Penetration 7-2-1

And in another installment of “it was over before it began,” the Hoes beat up on my shitty team all week long. It was so bad that Aaron’s 2 Dodgers players (Kemp & Ethier) put up more HR than my entire offense for the week. On Friday morning, Kemp, Ethier and Polanco had more Runs, HR, RBI than my entire team. The Hoes had Runs, HR, RBI locked up by Wednesday; that’s not an exaggeration. Again, with my team you’re looking at potentially one of the worst group of players ever assembled in any fantasy sport.

When I drafted Jason Heyward, I was slightly mad that I might have picked him too early. Now? Thank God I got him because in my quest to build for next year, he’s gonna be an important piece. If it wasn’t for Heyward & Cruz, I might be turning over commissioner/blogger duties to someone else so I could take the rest of the year to do some serious soul searching.

Not much left to say…Aaron has the best team in the league right now. He’s 2-0 and has better stats overall than the other 2-0 team (Pigeon Boys). Even more noteworthy, the Hoes would have beaten the Pigeon Boys quite handily in both week 1 & 2 if they had been matched up. Speaking of potentially amazing matchups, mark your calendars for week 7, when the Hoes will take on the Boys, both teams possibly being 6-0 at that point.

Final Note: The putrid Smell of Penetration team ranks last in 3 categories (Runs, OBP, WHIP), 2nd to last in 3 categories (SB, Ks, ERA), and ranks no higher than 5th in any category (RBI).

And now for the rest of the week 2 outcomes….

Za Brah beats Jew Lovers 8-1-1

In a matchup of the 2 teams most likely to dominate the “accidentally started someone on the DL” category, the Brahs beat the Lover of Jews anticlimactically as the score never shifted after Thursday. This is the type of “battle” that bores bloggers like me to death. The Brahs had a solid week, nothing amazing by any means, while the Lovers gave a new definition to words like appalling, horrific, vomit-inducing.

Congratulations, Werner. You could not have beaten a single team in the league in week 2. I expect things like that from my own team, and maybe Fred’s, but not yours. It appears as though Werner took my advice from last week, which was to give up on the Saves category (0 this week), but I didn’t mean give up all together. Only 1 HR all week? Only 2 Wins? Pathetic. And to make it worse, the Lovers face the #1 team this week, Boats ‘n Hoes.

For the Brahs, it’s always beneficial when you have 2 starting pitchers facing the Red Sox offense. In this case it was Shields & Garza…2 automatic wins. Speaking of the Sox, not even starting Ellsbury last week (who didn’t play a single game) could ruin the win for the Brahs. By the way, for those of you who have pitchers like Garza, Halladay, Lincecum, etc, you should appreciate what you’ve got. It must be nice to get potentially excited about watching your pitcher start, knowing he’s a Cy Young caliber guy and will most likely dominate…we should all be so lucky.

Final Note: Za Brah has never finished better than 8th place in the Born Again League, but this year could be different as the team is finally putting up solid stats, including Ks (1st), Runs, Wins, WHIP (3rd), and HR (4th).

The Beckett List beats Team Boston Pancakes 6-4-0

As the final starting pitcher for the week between these 2 teams, Max Scherzer did everything in his power to get the Pancakes a win…the 2 categories he needed to swing for his team--Ks & Wins--he did, but the rest of the Pancakes team let him down. You could even argue that the team’s offense actually performed the “boston pancake” on owner Matty P on Sunday, refusing to show up on the most important day of this young season. When reached via Gchat this morning, Matty P said, “The team is still in a state of shock that Prince [Fielder] and Bitch Tits [Alex Rodriguez] have 1 combined home run.” Also, for those of you keeping score at home, Prince Fielder has the same amount of RBI this season as Tim Lincecum. Of course it goes without saying that the Pancakes got dominated in every offensive category this week.

And who was doing the dominating? None other than newcomer Bryan Paul, owner of the Beckett List. On behalf of all the owners (except for Matty P obviously), congrats on your first career win in the Born Again League. The key to this win was the team’s namesake player, Josh Beckett, who put up 7 innings with 0 earned runs and a miniscule 0.71WHIP against the Rays on Friday night. That’s right…hard as it is to believe, a very small percentage of the Red Sox players are displaying actual talent this year.

Final Note: Both of these teams play in emotional matchups this week. The Beckett List is up against older brother Scott Paul, owner of Red Red Even…this typically unbiased commissioner is rooting for Bryan to “do it for the little brothers” this week. And the Pancakes are up against former college BFF Ryan Lavery, owner of Za Brah. When asked if that rivalry could possibly be as emotional as 2 brothers facing each other, Ryan replied, “Let me answer your question with a question. What are brothers anyway? Are brothers 2 men who have a very special, unbreakable bond? Do brothers kiss each other on the cheek in lieu of a handshake? Do brothers have “who can masturbate the quickest” races? Do brothers perform the act of space docking together?

(see definition 5: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=space+docking )

If the answer to those questions is ‘yes,’ then me and Matty P are as much brothers as anyone.”

Hackin’ Holts beat Polar Bears Rule II 6-2-2

This may have been the matchup most up for grabs heading into the weekend. Even though Holts were up 7-0-3 on Friday morning, the teams were tied in 3 categories and 4 others were reasonably close (RBI, OBP, SV, WHIP). But as anyone could have guessed by now, the Bears’ players shrunk from the spotlight at the most crucial time.

Credit is due to the Holts & owner Graham Holt. The pitching was a model of efficiency this week. The Holts got 4 Wins out of only 5 total starts, and the closers got 6 Saves in 6 chances. That’s how you draw it up in the offseason. And of course, the pitching got a HUGE contribution from Ubaldo Jimenez’s no-hitter on Saturday.

For the Pbears, you could say that Jair Jurrjens pulled a “reverse Ubaldo” by throwing 11.1 innings with 11 earned runs this week. When reached for comment, owner Jon Friedner said, “The Pbears aren’t ready to throw in the towel yet…looking to make a big statement this week against the Pigeon Boys.” While Jon may be looking at that as a “David vs. Goliath” matchup, I think it’d be better described as a “Paraplegic David vs. Goliath & all of Goliath’s gigantic relatives” matchup. Good luck to you, 2nd worst team in the league.

Final Note: As fun as it is to make fun of Fred’s non-contender of a team, I will point out that between the only 0-2 teams (him & me), he would have beat me in both weeks 1 & 2, including a 7-3 domination in week 2. Therefore, as soon as I come to an agreement with the #1 pick in next year’s draft, Fred can start thinking about who he’ll take with pick 2.

Week 1 Recap...late edition

(Author’s Note: I know with each passing day, Fred’s erection has gotten longer & longer as he waits to pounce on me for giving up on the blog so quickly. Can’t you just picture that smug little prick opening his email every few hours, seeing no blog-related mail, and pumping a little fresh cream into his underwear? Well, prepare to have that boner deflated, buddy, because this blogger’s just warming up. Going forward I will be trying to have a new blog post every Monday with a recap from the previous week. This week has been tough…a couple Red Sox day games will do that.)

Congratulations to the 6 winners from Week 1. You already have 33% of the total wins that the 2009 last place team got, and more importantly, you’ve got 1 more win than this year’s last place team (me) will most likely attain. Jobs well done.

The top 3 teams from the ‘09 regular season served notice last week, starting the 2010 schedule right where they left off. Let’s start with those matchups:

Pigeon Boys defeat The Smell of Penetration 8-1-1

Not much to say here. One team actually has an owner who seems to understand how baseball is played, and the other team doesn’t. After one week, I’m convinced that someone could assemble a full team just from available Free Agents that is more talented than the Penetrations. “But wait, Ross, it’s just week 1,” you say. “Don’t be so quick to judge your team.” As much as I appreciate those encouraging words, I know the look of a .500 team when I see one. And the Penetrations will have to pull off miracles this year in order to be that .500 team.

On the other side of the diamond, the Pigeon Boys are certainly happy with the win, but owner Neil Gariepy knows his team will have to play much better going forward in order to beat the top dawgs of this league. A .310 OBP isn’t going to get it done on the regular. Neither is a pitching staff that would have had a 4.95 ERA if you take the best pitcher in baseball out of the equation. And let’s face it, the Pigeon Boys can’t rely on 14 innings of amazing ball from Lincecum on a weekly basis (especially with today's announcement of his season-ending surgery). Someone else on that staff will have to step up.

Just for shits & giggles, let’s do a quick review of how each team’s keepers performed in week 1, starting with the Pigeon Boys:

-Pedroia = 6Runs, 3HR, 7RBI, .433OBP

-Upton = 6Runs, 1HR, 2RBI, 1SB, .423OBP

-Braun = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .346OBP

-Lincecum = 14IP, 1.29ERA, 0.71WHIP, 17K, 2Wins

And now the Penetrations:

-Bruce = 0Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .100OBP

-Jones = 4Runs, 1HR, 1RBI, .259OBP

-Lester = 5IP, 7.20ERA, 1.60WHIP, 4K, 0Win

-Lee = Was able to throw 11 pitches from his wheel chair…on flat ground.

I wonder why the final score for this matchup was 8-1-1.

Dorchestah 34%ers defeat Hackin’ Holts 5-4-1

In what can only be described as a head-scratching scheduling snafu, this was a rematch of last year’s Championship Game. Of course these owners would rather have had this matchup later in the year…after having a few weeks to tinker with the lineups and see what they’re working with. But instead of bitching & moaning about the schedule, maybe these owners should have actually paid attention to their players before the start of last week’s games. It is inexcusable to start a player who is 100% guaranteed to begin the year on the DL. Both teams made this mistake (Dorchestahs started Kinsler, Holts started Wood), and in such a tight matchup, who knows how the outcome would have changed with competent owners controlling these teams.

Channeling my inner Nostradamus, I predicted that Ben’s team would be an offensive force, but the pitching would suffer if he didn’t draft well. The 34%ers didn’t disappoint in week 1. Their offense would have beaten nearly every other team’s, and their pitching was the worst in the league. Owner Ben Sardella, a constant waiver wire trawler, isn’t likely to put up with the awful pitching for long. For defending champ Hackin’ Holts, it’s gotta be a bitter opening week, taking the loss and also having to second guess keeper decisions when owner Graham Holt sees what Matt Wieters is doing on a new team.

Speaking of keepers, here’s the comparison for these 2 teams, starting with the 34%ers:

-Reynolds = 5Runs, 2HR, 4RBI, .320OBP

-Holliday = 8Runs, 3HR, 6RBI, 1SB, .444OBP

-M. Cabrera = 6Runs, 2HR, 8RBI, .621OBP

-Kinsler = confusingly in the starting line up

And for the Holts:

-Teixeira = 5Runs, 0HR, 3RBI, .276OBP

-Wright = 4Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, .481OBP

-Sabathia = 13IP, 3.46ERA, 0.85WHIP, 9K, 1Win

-Cain = 6.2IP, 4.05ERA, 0.90WHIP, 5K, 0Win

Props to the 34%ers for not overlooking week 1 even with a huge showdown looming against Pigeon Boys in week 2.

Team Boats ‘n Hoes defeats Za Brah 6-3-1

The Za Brahs got off to a particularly bad start when Carlos Zambrano decided to take a steamy dump right on the chest of owner Ryan Lavery. Oh wait, that wasn’t a dump, that was Zambrano turning in his time sheet for the day: 1.1inning, 8runs, 1K. Solid work Carlos. The Brahs never really got it turned around as Boats ‘n Hoes maintained their lead all week. This was a huge win for owner Aaron Gariepy as he can basically count on a 2-0 start now(he’s playing my team this week).

While the Brahs can’t be too excited about their week 1 performance, they can at least take solace in the fact that Pujols looks like he’s a lock for another MVP year. It’s likely the Brahs will be winning the SB category more often than not…so that’s something. The biggest concern for this team now is getting Ellsbury (a keeper) healthy. He’s missed the last 2 games & looks like he’ll miss a few more, meaning the Brahs wasted a starting spot on him this week.

Here’s the keeper comparison from last week, starting with Boats ‘n Hoes:

-Morneau = 7Runs, 2HR, 6RBI, .484OBP

-H. Ramirez = 3Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP

-Phillips = 3Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .240OBP

-Kemp = 6Runs, 1HR, 7RBI, 1SB, .333OBP

And for the Brah’s keepers:

-Ellsbury = 6Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .333OBP

-Pujols = 7Runs, 4HR, 10RBI, .444OBP

-Gonzalez = 4Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, .429OBP

-J. Santana = 11IP, 4.91ERA, 1.27WHIP, 8K, 1Win

While the Brah’s keepers kept up with Boats ‘n Hoes, it was the complimentary players that let them down.

The Jew Lovers defeat The Beckett List 5-4-1

Do you wanna know what keeps fantasy baseball commissioners up at night? It’s the nightmarish thought of 2 of his league’s owners caring so little that they start players who are definitely on the DL. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I read things like, “Manager Charlie Manuel anticipates Blanton will be able to return within three weeks,” and, “Street is expected to miss at least a month after getting shut down for the third time this spring,” I tend to avoid putting these players in my starting line up. But hey, what do I know?

Now these 2 teams have even more to worry about as additional players from each roster were added to the DL late last week.

A few words of advice to Werner, owner of the Jew Lovers: abandon any plans to use closers this year. Follow my lead. Your closers are terrible. Seriously, if you regularly play these closers, you have no shot at the playoffs.

Keeper comparison from last week, starting with Jew Lovers:

-Mauer = 6Runs, 1HR, 5RBI, .500OBP

-Hamilton = 3Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, .435OBP

-Howard = 6Runs, 3HR, 10RBI, .400OBP

-Halladay = 16IP, 0.56ERA, 0.94WHIP, 17K, 2Wins

And Beckett List’s keepers:

-McCann = 6Runs, 2HR, 3RBI, 1SB, .500OBP

-Sizemore = 0Runs, 0HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .304OBP

-Roberts = 1Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, 2SB, .250OBP

-Beckett = 11.2IP, 6.17ERA, 1.80WHIP, 5K, 1Win

Red Red Even defeats Polar Bears Rule II 7-2-1

Winning my matchup in week 1 would have been great. But seeing Fred’s pathetic Polar Bears team lose is the next closest thing to victory. Everyone loves watching a non-stop shit-talker get taken to the cleaners. And let’s be honest, this wasn’t a very close matchup. Scott’s Red Red Even had most categories locked up before play even began last Sunday.

Besides just assuming his team is better than the rest of the league (stats have never backed that claim up), Fred’s off to a hot start this year by blasting the league for standing by and letting him pick up Travis Hafner. Yes, you read that right, and no, there isn’t a 2nd Travis Hafner in baseball. How’s that coming along so far, Fred? Hafner putting up some monster numbers? Back to his steroid-induced 2006 numbers is he? AL MVP candidate? Ahh, he’ll be off your team by June 1st.

The Red Red Evens are what we thought they were. Scott’s team may have the best starting pitching this season (solid relievers possible too), but the offense looks to be off to another slow start. Add today’s news that Rollins is heading to the DL for a few weeks, and things don’t look great for an already anemic offense. Can the pitching & defense carry this team until Scott can hire an offensive coordinator (Suzanne maybe?)? Woops, as I write this, I notice the Red Red Evens are towards the top of the league in 3 of 5 offensive categories. Oh well, let’s just roll w/ the “anemic offense” theme until I come up with a better angle.

Last week’s keeper comparison, starting w/ Red Red Evens:

-Youkilis = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .423OBP

-Crawford = 3Runs, 0HR, 6RBI, 2SB, .360OBP

-Rollins = 8Runs, 1HR, 3RBI, 2SB, .516OBP

-Wainwright = 7IP, 2.57ERA, 0.71WHIP, 6K, 1Win

And Polar Bears pathetic keepers:

-Longoria = 2Runs, 2HR, 5RBI, 1SB, .391OBP

-Tulowitzki = 3Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, 1SB, .231OBP

-Manny = 2Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .333OBP

-E. Jackson = 12IP, 5.25ERA, 1.50WHIP, 8K, 1Win

The Boston Pancakes defeat The Angry Brets 7-3-0

This was a matchup of 2 of the shittiest offenses I’ve ever seen. These teams combined for 8HRs. As a comparison, 8 of the other 10 teams in this league put up at least 8HRs last week. The key difference between these teams is that the Pancakes offense should come around; the Brets probably will not. The Pancakes got 0 Hrs from A-Rod, P-Field, Dunn, and (giggle) Ortiz. You can expect 3 of those 4 guys to start hitting dingers any time now. Assuming the Pancakes have a suitable upgrade over Ortiz, the offense should start clicking. And by “suitable” I mean “someone who will only stirke out 155 times this year.”

Unfortunately for the Brets, I just don’t see where the power’s going to come from this year. Week 1 looked like what I expected from this team: Utley & Lee hit 1HR per week, and the rest of the team struggles. The pitching wasn’t much better for the Brets as Peavy, Verlander & Vazquez all struggled (and I believe Peavy & Vazquez ran it back this week with 2 more awful starts). Did owner Matt Blanchette think he was getting the NL version of Vazquez instead of the Yankee version? If so, that’s a big oversight.

The Pancakes had an OK week in the pitching categories, but this blogger fears that owner Matty P’s unmatched love for all things Red Sox is gonna get him into trouble down the line. I can just imagine a week (hopefully against my team) where he marches out Ortiz, Buchholz & DiceBB in his starting line up.

Keeper comparison starting with The Pancakes:

-Fielder = 4Runs, 0HR, 2RBI, .385OBP

-A-rod = 4Runs, 0HR, 4RBI, .310OBP

-Greinke = 12.2IP, 3.55ERA, 1.18WHIP, 9K, 0Win

-F-her = 13.2IP, 3.29ERA, 1.24WHIP, 9K, 0Win

And the Brets keepers:

-Utley = 6Runs, 1HR, 4RBI, .500OBP

-Markakis = 5Runs, 0HR, 0RBI, .444OBP

-Upton = 2Runs, 0HR, 1RBI, 2SB, .304OBP

-Verlander = 10IP, 9.00ERA, 1.50WHIP, 9K, 0Win

If you’ve stuck around this long, thanks for reading. This blog is probably the most boring it will ever get as I didn’t pay attention at the end of last week and didn’t take the time to retroactively figure out if anything exciting happened, like 1 team overtaking another during the final hours of the week. I promise to monitor these things more closely in the future. Most importantly, the blog is alive & well, regardless of what that black stripper-hating douche bag from NY has to say about it.